When the World Comes Crashing Down
by LoveandLearn
Summary: Addison receives devastating news which will change her life forever. Will Derek be able to stand by her side to guide her through or will it be the final straw in a crumbling marriage?
1. Chapter 1

Things change and they change quickly. This was a concept that Addison Montgomery-Shepherd was all too familiar with. Her life had changed in the matter of minutes after meeting Derek Shepherd in medical school. For the first time in her life, she felt wanted and accepted. She developed a sense of confidence that never existed before that day. Things changed for the both of them when she peed on a stick that turned blue. It all changed in an hour the night that she cheated on her husband and then again when she discovered he had fallen in love with someone else. Now she was seated in the dimmly lit physicians' lounge with a piece of paper in her hands that would once again change her life.

"Dude, you okay?" Alex Karev asked when he noticed his suddenly pale superior staring down at a piece of paper. "You look like someone just killed your puppy."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired. I haven't slept in a while."she murmured, forcing the most convincing smile she could muster. "Are you even allowed in here, Karev? I thought this was for attendings only. Don't you guys have your own hang out?"

Karev nodded, pulling an apple out of the fully loaded fridge. "But it's no where near as nice as this one. You guys have an actual espresso machine in here. Our coffee machine has been broken for like three months." he informed her. "But seriously, are you sure you're okay? I can cover your neonatal patients for you for a few hours. You've got me stuck on your service doing the most boring shit ever. At least I'd see some action in the NICU."

"I'm fine, I don't need you to cover for me." she replied to the usually unattentive and rude intern. "I'm just sleep deprived. I just need a few minutes and then I'll be okay. Can you go start prepping Mrs. Green for her c? I need her prepped and in OR in 20 minutes."

Alex bit into the apple and nodded with a distinct groan.

Addison looked back down at the piece of paper before neatly folding it and burying it in her lab coat pocket. Her initial desire was to burn It and go back to a time when that knowledge didn't exist in her head. That wasn't possible so Addison settled on destroying the evidence later. For the time being she ran to the one person who always put a smile on her face; her three and a half year old son Micheal.

Micheal was at the hospital's daycare center, all of his attention on the colorful picture book in front of him. He turned when he heard his mother's voice calling him and a smile grew on his face as he jumped from his seat and ran into her arms. "Mama!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

A smile formed on Addison's lips. Micheal may never know it but his smile, his innocent little voice and his small arms wrapped around her was one of the only reasons his mother had for waking up every morning. "I missed you, honey." she admitted softly.

Micheal looked at her quizzically because the day had barely just started and she'd seen him just a couple hours prior. "Go home?" he asked her.

"No, buddy, it's not time to go home." she answered, "I just really needed to see you because Mommy's had a pretty bad morning and you always cheer me up." she explained to her son who nodded understandingly.

He took a few seconds to think of the appropriate response to his mothers word then pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Betta?" he asked hopefully.

Addison smiled and nodded in response, "Yeah, baby, I feel much better now."

* * *

A week later she shunned herself in the crammed bathroom in the trailer, her head lingering over the small toilet. She sighed, sitting back to lean against the wall directly behind her. The heaving started to slow and she hoped the nausea would subside long enough to allow her some sleep. This has been the second consecutive night she'd spent locked in the bathroom. She returned to bed before dawn the previous day, knowing Derek would never realize she was gone and she planned to do the same again. She needed to hide the truth from her family for as long as she could.

"Hey, little man." Derek greeted his son who was sitting on his small bed. "What's wrong?"

"Mommy sick." he answered his father in a worried tone. "Icky in bafroom." Icky was his his way of saying vomit. Addison and Derek tried to get him to say puke or throw up but Micheal reasoned that whatever its name may be, it's icky and so he called it Icky.

"Don't worry, Mikey, I'm sure she will be okay in a day or two." Derek reassured his concerned son. "You wanna help your mom feel better?"

Micheal nodded. "You gots to help Mommy. You's a docta." his son answered.

"We can help Mommy by not making her mad, okay? So let's get you back in bed so she won't come out here and see you're still awake. It's way passed your bedtime."

Mikey nodded. "Mommy aways get mad at me when I's up late." He agreed as she lied down and let his father tuck him in. "Night, night Daddy." he whispered, curling up to go to sleep.

10 minutes later Addison got off the bathroom and moaned tiredly. "Derek..." she said when she saw him. "I wasn't expecting you home so early."

"It's not too early. It's 11." he answered, moving toward her to put his hand on her forehead.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed in an annoyed fashion as she pushed his hand away from her.

"I've been home for 15 minutes and you've been barfing the whole time. I have the right to be concerned. Even Micheal was up and wondering what's going on with you."

"It's probably the stomach flu, it's been going around." she lied, she knew the exact cause of her symptoms but she wasn't ready to tell anyone yet.

"Addie, we both know that you have an immune system made of steal." he replied. "I've known you for 15 years and we've been exposed to all kinds of viruses through that time, you haven't caught a single one."

"Fine, then maybe it's food poisoning. Does it matter what it is.?" she asked with an exhausted sigh. "Did you tuck Mikey in the way he likes to be tucked in with his duckie? You know he will scream if he wakes up for whatever reason at night and the duckie is not there."

"I did it exactly as he likes it." Derek assured. "Now can we talk about you and the fact that you've spent two nights in a row on the bathroom floor?"

Her eyes widened as she looked at him. "You heard me last night?"

Derek nodded. "We live in a trailer, Addie, it's hard not to hear everything that goes on. I even got up to try to help you but you'd locked the door and you didn't hear me knocking. I figured you just wanted to be left alone but I was awake the whole time."

"Oh." she whispered in shock, unsure how to proceed form there.

* * *

"Addison, you need to tell your husband. This is not easy on anyone and you are no exception. I know it will be difficult to share something like this with him but he's your husband, he deserves to know. He would want to help you through this."

Addison shook her head, brushing off the advice for the third time. "I'm fine, I can do this without bringing him into it. I don't want to burden him. It's just fatigue and nausea, no biggie. I'm alway nauseous and tired after a 24 hour shift, I'm used to feeling this way."

"We both know that not a single word of that statement is true." The doctor replied. "It will be easier for you, Addie, to have him around to hold your hand through all of it."

"I can't tell my husband." Addison said firmly.

"Why are you trying so hard to keep this from him, Addison? Doesn't he deserve to know? Don't you deserve to have him by your side for this?"

"You don't know Derek. He's one of the most amazing people you're ever going to meet, he's genuinely a good guy. He always wants to do the right thing, he would never hurt anyone intentionally. That's the only reason we're still together, because he's too nice to leave me. He fell in love with another women and he tries to pretend that's not true because he knows how much it will hurt me if he leaves me for her."

"Then why haven't you left him?"

Addison shrugged. "Because I still love him even if he loves someone else, I don't want to give up on my marriage if there is still love between us...even if it's one sided. And this...well, if Derek finds out then he'll feel obligated to stay with me and I don't want him to do that. So, no, I am not planning on tell him."

"Okay, fine, don't tell your husband but tell _someone_." the doctor urged her. "You need someone by your side, you shouldn't do this alone. You've briefly mentioned that you've got a son, correct? You can talk to him or maybe your own parents. I know it won't be any easier to tell them but it's something you need to do eventually so might as well do it in time to get their support."

"My son is not even four. I doubt he'll understand the gravity of any of this and he provides all the support I need without the gory details weighing him down. And my parents...well, I just don't want to get them involved."

"I guess that's your choice to make." the doctor said somewhat disapprovingly. "I'm just worried about you, I wouldn't want anyone to go through this alone."

"I'll be fine. I'm a doctor myself, remember? I've seen enough patients go through this to know how it works. I know my limitations and boundaries, I'll cut down my hours and do whatever it takes when I feel like I can't handle it anymore."

The doctor nodded, "That's all I ask."

* * *

Later that day Addison sat back in the privacy of her car and let out a sign. Her doctor was right, she needed to talk to someone. She needed the kind of support that a three and a half year old was not capable of delivering. She stared at her phone, feeling more alone than ever before as she tried to think of someone to call to ease her worries. After almost five minutes of debating, Addison decided to call her mother and only hoped a secretary wouldn't ask her to leave a message.

"Montgomery Residence." a woman answered, a woman who's voice Addison couldn't identify if her life depended on it.

"Hi, I um...Is Bizzy around?" Bizzy hated when when people said "um." She'd always told Addison that it makes people sound uneducated. But in that overwhelming moment she didn't care.

"May I ask who's calling?" the maid asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, this is um..." she paused and took a breath and ease her nerves. She hadn't spoken to her mother in almost a year. "This is Addison."

"Do you have a last name, Addison? Ms. Forbes-Montgomery says first names do not suffice, there are millions of people with the same name."

"Addison Montgomery, uh, Shepherd." she quickly amended then resorted to an easier explanation. "I'm the daughter."

"Oh!" the woman exclaimed. "Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry. I've heard a lot about you but I've never met you or anything so I didn't realize who it was."

"That's fine. No worries." Addison replied casually, wondering if everyone on her parent's staff was on edge all the time. "Is she in?"

"Let me transfer your call over to her. She's in the den having a drink with friends."

"Of course she is." Addison muttered under her breath as the call was being transferred. She bit her lip as she waited for her mother to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" a familiar voice answered from the other end of the line.

"Hi, Bizzy." Addison greeted somewhat awkwardly.

"Addison, this is a surprise." Bizzy says, plastering a smile on her face to give her guests the impression that she was an attentive and caring mother. "Is everything alright? How's little Micheal doing?"

"Mikey is doing great. But um, everything is actually it's not alright. The maid says you've got company over and I don't want to bother you. I just really need to talk to someone. I need someone to make me feel like my life is not over. I know we've never had that type of relationship but I really need us to at least pretend right now."

"Now really isn't the best time for a pep talk, dear. Where is your husband? He always knew what to say to ease your anxiety." Bizzy replied.

"I uh...Never mind, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you." she murmured. "I'll let you get back to your company."

"Addison, I'll call..." Bizzy started but Addison had already hung up.

* * *

Addie took a deep breath as she exited the bathroom for the third time since she got home. Derek sighed, looking at her from his spot at the table where their son was seat on his lap for story time.

"Addison..." he started again, his voice sounded exactly as it had the previous two times he'd called her name while she was in the bathroom. He had tried to go in there to help her but she would just ignore his calls to unlock the door.

"Don't." she warned before he could go any further. "Just don't say anything, please."

"You've been like this for over two weeks, Addison. I have the right to be worried about you. You need to go see a doctor...Oh, my god, what if you're pregnant."

Addison gave a bitter chuckle. "If only that was the problem." she murmured.

"Problem? Why would that be a problem? I mean, I know the timing isn't the greatest but the timing wasn't exactly good with Mikey either and he's the most amazing thing that's every happened to us. Maybe we'll have a little girl this time." he grinned with hope in his eyes. "Micheal has your hair and my eyes so maybe our daughter will have your eyes and my hair. Your smile, hopefully your nose and not mine... It would be incredible. Do you want me to go buy a pregnancy test?"

Addison shook her head in response. "I'm not pregnant, Derek, nausea isn't always because of pregnancy."

"It's not just nausea, you've had back pain and fatigue. I noticed you're a bit more sensitive to smells than you usually are..."

"I'm not pregnant, Derek." she repeated surely.

"Well, what else explains everything that's been happening to you?" Derek questioned.

She looked away from him, trying to think of anything to change the topic. "Your mom called this morning after you'd already left for work. You should call her back. She misses you." she told him softly as she moved into the bedroom to get away from him.

"Don't try to change the subject, Addison." Derek told her firmly, getting up from his seat at the table to follow her into the bedroom. "If you know what's going on you need to tell me. I'm your husband, I need to know." her said as he looked into her eyes.

"I..." she stopped, taking a deep breath as she looked into his eyes. "I'm not ready to say it out loud." she admitted.

"Addie, whatever it is we'll get through it. You have to tell me so I can help you." he told her softly and encouragingly, setting his son down on the empty chair to the side to get up from his seat. "Mommy and Daddy need to talk for a few minutes, buddy. You can look through the book but remember where we left off so we can continue when I get back."

Addison led him to their bedroom and he shut the door behind them. "I um..." she looked up into his eyes, her voice starting to break. "This is all the aftermath of a round of chemotherapy."

Derek's jaw dropped as he speechlessly stared at her. "Now would be a good time to tell me your kidding and that you're pregnant with our child...hell, you can be pregnant with anyone's child, just tell me you're pregnant. It can't be anything else." Denial, the first response to every piece of devastating news. "You're Addison, you don't even get the flu, you never get sick...with _anything."_

Addison shook her head. "I'm sorry." she murmured regretfully, "I have cancer."

* * *

Back with a new story, guys! Except this one will be on the shorter side, probably six or seven. A few things to keep in mind: takes place about mid-season two but let's pretend season two. 2. Everything Micheal says is meant to be read as it's written. Those are not typos, they are my attempts to describe how a two and a half year old (with slightly advanced vocabulary) might talk.

Hope you guys like it so far!  
Let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Derek silently stared at her while he processed the news. "Cancer." he mumbled disbelievingly. "What kind of cancer? What stage? What are your chances of survival?"

"It's uterine cancer, stage two which means it's spread to my cervix. But my doctor says it just crossed over to stage two so we caught it fairly early. My doctor says that with the treatment I should make a full recovery but if I want to drastically lessen my chances of recurrence then I need surgery."

"Surgery..."

"Yeah, a complete hysterectomy and salpingo-oophorectomy. So basically my whole reproductive system would be removed."

Derek nodded. "But you do that kind of surgery everyday, it's not too uncommon, right? And I'm sure you've got an incredible record with that kind of surgery. You know the risks better than anyone. Don't the benefits outweigh the risks? I mean, if it means saving your life then I think it's something we need to do. I'm sure there has to be one other surgeon somewhere in this country who ranks close to you..."

"It's not 'we', Derek. It's me. They are going to gut me out, not you."

"I said we because you are not going to go through it alone." he specified.

"I don't want the surgery because I want to have another child somewhere down the line." she admitted shyly. Partially because they were not at a point in their marriage where they could discuss having more children.

"Oh..." he trailed off.

"That was the dream right? You were just talking about how much you want a daughter. We always said we'd have two at least two."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, that was the dream. That is the dream." he agreed softly before asking the one question he dreaded asking, "How long have you know about the cancer?"

"I was diagnosed a little less than a month ago, I started chemo about a week ago." she answer him.

"A month? You've known for like a month and I'm not last person to find out about it?" Derek asked ambivalently. "Why would you keep something like this from me? This is your health we're talking about, it's serious. It's not something that we can skip out on talking about."

"We don't talk about anything, Derek. What's so different about this?"

"How our day was or debating politics is not a matter of life and death." he answered. "This is something that changes everything for us."

"For me, not for us. It doesn't change anything for you." she told him bitterly. "Especially after you leave me it won't even matter to you."

"Is that really what you think?" Derek asked unbelievably. "I'm not going to leave you, especially not now, Addison. I vowed to stay by your side through sickness and in health."

"Please don't bring up the vows." Addison whispered. "We also vowed to remain faithful but neither one of us managed to do that so why would we honor the rest of it."

Derek groaned. "Can we not bring up Mark and Meredith just for once?" he all but begged in response. "This isn't about them, this isn't about everything that happened in our past...this is about what is happening right now and how it could change our future."

"I really don't want to think about this right now. I didn't tell anyone because saying it out loud makes it more real. It's already the only thing on my mind, but to also have someone constantly talking to me about it makes it something I can't avoid. I don't think I'm ready for that."

"I'm scared." he admitted in a whisper, his hand moving toward her as a form of physical comfort for the both of them.

"Yeah, I am too." she whispered in response.

* * *

Derek entered the physicians' lounge a little over a week later, he was slightly taken aback when he noticed Addison on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"You okay?" he asked softly. "I wasn't expecting you to be in here. You said you had some things scheduled and you'd be busy all morning.."

She shrugged, "I had a round of chemo scheduled in the morning. And now I'm here."

"You had chemo today? Why didn't you tell me? I would have made time in my day to come with you." he replied.

"I didn't want to bother you. You said you had three surgeries scheduled before noon, I couldn't ask you to cancel them."

"I wouldn't have canceled them, I'd do one in the morning and join you then I would have skipped lunch and done the rest of it. You have to promise to tell me next time. I don't want you ever going alone again.

She didn't say in response, all she did was nod slightly hoping he would stop talking about the treatment she was trying to forget.

"Anyway, I'm glad I found you. I spoke to a few oncologists earlier, I've got someone flying in as we speak, we've got a consult with him at 3. Will you be available?"

"Derek, I..." she started but he cut her off before she could finish.

"I wanted you to have the best doctor though this, I want the best outcome so I don't want anyone half-ass going near you. This guy has the lowest fatality rate with gynecologic cancers in the country, he's got a hella long waiting list to see patients, most patients are end stage by the time their name gets to the top of the list. It took some serious negotiating skills to get that guy to agree to come out here to see you and discuss treatment plans with us. I've been emailing back and forth with him for like five days."

"Derek, I already have an oncologist and I've already started treatment." she informed him of what he already knew.

"I know but I figured a second opinion is always a good idea." he answered. "Beside, this is Philip Kirkman I'm talking about. That guy is a legend when it comes to cancer of the female reproductive system. He had patients at stage four that went into remission."

"I know who Kirkman is, Derek. I've referred patients to him and we worked together on a few cases. He's an arrogant asshole."

"Oh..." he mumbled with disappointment.

"I have a doctor, Derek. And she's really good and I'm comfortable with her. I've already got a treatment plan set up. I don't want him coming in and turning everything upside down, I've had enough of that for one lifetime. Everything can't change again."

Derek sighed and sat down next to her on the couch. "I'm sorry." he whispered. "I just wanted to do something. I feel helpless." he admitted, tightly holding onto her hand.

"I know." she told him. "That's how I felt at first but there really isn't much you can do." she shrugged, having already come to terms with that fact.

"There has to be something I can do. There has to be." he insisted. "We have worked very hard to become respectable and powerful people in the medical community. We have to have connections to fix this..."

"You want to know what you can do for me?" Addison asked, looking into his eyes as she continued, "You can walk right now, no questions asked, no hard feelings, if this marriage isn't something you're committed to working out. If you're in love with Meredith then you shouldn't have to force yourself to stay with me just because of this diagnosis. But you would have to take Michael with you for a little while, or maybe Archer will be willing to take care of him...I just can't take care of him alone during this. "

"I don't love her enough to leave you for her." he told Addison surely. "I'm not leaving you, I'm not giving up on us. I'm committed to do whatever I have to do for you...There has to be something I can do."

"If you're sure that you're in this no matter what, then the only thing you can do for me is just be there. It won't be easy, but right now that's all I need."  
Derek nodded, leaning toward her to kiss her temple. "I'll be there for you every step of the way." he promised.

* * *

Michael lied in bed, his eyes eyes open and trained on the ceiling. The trailer was slightly illuminated by the light coming from the bathroom and all Michael could hear was his mother gagging and vomit splattering into the toilet. Occasionally his father mumbled words of support and encouragement but it was interrupted when a pager went off. Michael wondered if it was his mother's or his father's but what he really wanted to know is if either was capable of going to work.

"It's mine." Derek murmured quietly. He didn't want to wake his son. "I'll call the hospital and tell them to page Anderson. I'm not even on call."

Addison sighed and leaned away from the toilet, leaning against the wall behind her. "You should go." she replied softly.

"I'm not on call and even if I were, I wouldn't leave you like this. We've been in here for 15 minutes, you're sitting on the bathroom floor, Addison. I can't leave you like this. What kind of ass-wipe leaves his wife on the bathroom floor to operate on a stranger?"

"Honey, you already called in sick this morning because I woke up like this. I'm sure Richard is not happy with our sporadic work habits lately. You should go." she whispered, pressing a hand to her stomach as she fought another bout of nausea. "Besides, this is nothing compared to morning sickness and you had that conference in Boston in my first trimester and I survived without you. You have to go, I'll be okay."

"Addie, I don't want to leave you." he repeated.

With another deep breath, Addison held her arm out to him so he could help her up. She leaned in to kiss him but stopped a mere inch from his lips and cringed. "I've had my head hovering over the toilet."

"I don't really mind." he whispered and closed the gap between them with a quick peck on her lips. "You want me to get you a bottle of Perrier?"

"No." Addison shook her head. "I'm okay, it passed. I'm gonna go to bed. You go see that patient." she urged, using her little strength to push him toward the door. "Bring me a pack of saltine crackers on your way home." added.

Derek looked at her, the denial still glimering in his eyes as he asked, "Late night food cravings? Are you sure you can't be pregnant? I mean maybe your doctor was wrong. Doctors are wrong all the time! That first OB we saw in New York told us we were having a girl, remember? He was very obviously wrong."

"Derek." she begged quietly, the one word conveying everything she needed from him at that moment.

"I'm sorry." he apologized and leaned in for another peck, this one of her cheek. "Okay, I'll go and I'll stop by a store to get you a couple of packs of crackers on my way home. Hopefully you'll be able to keep it down, you've barely been able to keep anything down." He earned an approving smile from Addison as he quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and an old college sweater. It wasn't the same smile, the smile that he fell in love with but it was the first smile he'd seen in a long time and that's all he needed at the moment.

Once Derek's car pulled away Michael sat up in his bed and navigated the small distance to his parents' bed. "Mommy." he whispered from the foot of the bed.

"Mikey." Addison started softly, pressing the one button on her iphone to give Michael enough light to see her in bed. "What are you doing up, sweetheart? It is way past your bedtime. Did Daddy and I wake you up?"

Michael moved over to Derek's side of the bed and climbed in. He snuggled closer to his mother, wondering if she would still be as warm and comforting as she was before the illness took over her life.

"You okay, buddy?" she asked when she felt him nuzzle his head against her arm.

"Is you gonna be sick foreva?" he asked after almost a full two minutes of silence.

"I hope not." Addison answered in a whisper. "Honey, I'm doing everything I can to get better."

"Is you getting shots, Mama?" Michael asked, his eyes widening in horror just as the thought of it. Although Addison couldn't see that through the darkness, she could hear the fear in his voice.

"Yeah, sometimes I have to get shots because the medicine is need is only given through a kind of shot." she explained as simply as she could for a three and a half year old to understand it.

"Wow, you really wants to get betta." Michael said to himself. "Mommy, when you is get your shots I can hold your hand. 'Cuz you and Daddy dos that for me when I gets shots."

Addison pulled her son closer into her side, pressing a kiss over his hazelnut colored. "I love you more than anything in this world, you know that, right?" She felt him nodded against her and that's all she needed in that second. "You've got nothing to worry about. You just have fun at daycare and don't worry about me. Daddy is always with me and holding my hand when I get those shots. He is helping me with everything. You just need to keep being you and that's enough to help me feel better when I get home."

"Okay." Michael whispered sleepily before an urge to yawn took over. "Oh, and I wuv you, too."

* * *

Thanks for the overwhelmingly amazing response to this story. Glad you guys approved of my idea to rewrite the story to add Michael. Let me know what you think of this chapter!  
Also- the story is not fully written. In fact, I only have it written out to the next chapter so if you guys have any ideas or suggestions please let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

Addison woke up the next morning to find Derek's arms wrapped around her waist keeping her back snug against his chest. She couldn't remember the last time she'd woken up to actually see him beside her let alone waking up in his arms. "Derek." she whispered, freeing herself from his arms to nudge him awake. "Doesn't your shift start at like 6 in the morning? It's almost 7:30."

Derek's eyes opened, he stared at her groggily before stretching out his arms and pushing himself up."My alarm went off at 5 like it always does, except I just didn't feeling like getting up that early. I called Richard and pushed my shift back so I'll go in with you when you're shift starts at 9." he answered. "And I have to admit, an extra two and half hours of sleep feels amazing."

"Yeah..." she murmured somewhat uncomfortably and she got out of bed.

Derek followed her lead, getting out of bed and stretching once more with a yawn following close behind. He watched as she started to make the bed and noticed when she frowned slightly. "Everything okay, Addie?" he asked.

"Yeah." she forced herself to smile as she answered him. "If you're gonna shower you need to hurry up and get in there because I have to be there at 9 and it takes me almost an hour to get ready after the shower so we don't have time to put it off. Not to mention the fact that I have to make the bed and wake Michael and get him ready for pre-school or day care or whatever you wanna call it."

"You can make the bed while I'm in the shower, it takes you like ten minutes anyway. I'll be quick and out by time you're done. I promise. And then I'll wake Michael and get him dressed and fed while you shower and get ready." he offered.

"Okay." she agreed quietly.

Derek moved toward the small shower. He turned on the water and stripped off his t-shirt and stopped and turned back to her before taking off his boxers. "Are you sure that's all you were thinking about?"

"Derek, I will kill you with my bare hands if you don't get your ass in that shower." she snapped in response, giving him a strict glare as she stopped straightening out the sheets to answer him.

"Okay, okay, relax." he mumbled under his breath, quickly kicking off his boxers and tossing them in the hamper before climbing into the shower.

She waited until he was gone to let out a sign then moved toward the trash to throw away all the loose hair on her pillow case. She tried to ignoring it, hoping it was just a one time thing. She chose to ignore the fact that she'd woken up to loose hair on the pillow for almost a week, and she'd been finding more and more on her hairbrush. Running a hand in through her hair. She looked down at it afterward she saw a handful of hair and choked back a sob. She hadn't even noticed the water shut off and Derek stepping out of the shower with a towel around around his waist.

"Addie." he asked, concern mounting in his tone as he moved closer to her. He instantly knew what caused the wave of unexpected tears when he saw the palmful of her hair. "Oh.." the word almost unnoticeably escaped his lips. He took to hair from her hand and threw it away before coming back to crouch down in front of her. Derek reached up to wipe away a tear rolling down her head. "It's okay, honey, it's just hair."

"Just hair." she scoffed. "Do you know how people respond to a 35 year old bald woman? With pity. I hate pity. People used to see my as a strong, intelligent woman and now people will know I'm weak and cancer stricken."

"No one is going to define you based on this illness. No one even has to know if you don't want them to. We can get you a wig, a good wig. The kind celebrities wear in movies. I'm sure they cost a few grand but it doesn't matter. It can look like your natural hair and it will keep prying eyes in the dark. Okay?"

"But it's not going to be my hair. Other people may not be able to notice it but I'm going to know it's not mine."

"Your hair will grow back. The hair loss caused by chemotherapy is not permanent. And your hair grows pretty quickly, doesn't it? You dye it monthly, don't you? Because the roots come in pretty quickly."

"You've noticed that?" she asked with a small smile tugging at her lips at the thought that her husband really did know everything there was to know about her.

"It's hard not to notice when you start desperately trying to hide blond roots." he teased.

"My natural hair is not blond." she told him firmly for what she was sure was the thousandth time. "Michael inherited my hair color and it's not blond. It's light brown."

"Brown, hazelnut, whatever. It's all dark blondish to me. And my point is that your hair is not what makes you the most beautiful, the strongest, the funniest and the most intelligent women I've ever met. Just try to stay strong, remember that you are not alone and remember that it's not permanent. Everything will go back to normal, you may feel self conscious and weak now but you are the same strong woman I fell in love with and you'll feel like it again when this is all done."

"And when will that be, Derek?" she asked cynically.

* * *

"You wanted to see me?" Derek asked as soon as he entered the Chief's office at the end of his shift. It had been a week since Addison's breakdown over her hair loss; he'd been late to work every single day that week.

"You were late this morning." Richard informed Derek of the obvious. "And not ten minutes late, you know that I would not make an issue if it were a few minutes but you're two or three hours late everyday, Derek. I can't excuse that. Addison doesn't even show up three or four days a week. She doesn't even bother to call-in anymore."

"I know, I'm sorry. I've just got a lot going on." Derek replied honestly.

"I know your marriage is crumbling, I know it must be hard for the both of you. You two need to figure out how to balance personal and professional. We can't go on like this..."

"Actually, you're wrong."

"I'm wrong?"

"About my marriage. The reason we are missing work is not because of a failing marriage, and it's not failing by the way. It's something that I've been meaning to talk to you about. Addison needs a medical leave of absence." he told Richard softly.

"Why? What's going on? Is she going to be alright?"

"I'm actually not sure, I hope she is but I don't know." Derek answered honestly. "My wife has stage two uterine cancer. She's started chemotherapy and it's taking a toll on her body. That's why we've been missing work. It's one of the hardest things we've ever been through. There are nights she spends on the bathroom floor, mornings were she doesn't have enough energy to get out of bed. Our son is confused and neither of us wants to tell him that his mother might be dying. So work has been the least of our worries for the last few weeks..."

"Derek, I'm sorry."

"Don't." Derek held up a hand, stopping Richard from one of those pity responses that he'd come to hate as much as Addison did. "Don't tell me you're sorry. It won't change anything. She needs a leave of absence and I need to cut down my workload to part time to be home to take care of her and Michael."

Richard nodded in understanding.

"I can do five hours a day, five days a week. If the surgery runs longer than five hours I will be flexible, I obviously won't walk out when the clock hits 5 hours. But if it's going to be 12 hour procedures then I can't take that on, my wife needs me and that's more important right now."

"Okay."

"And Addison said she might want to come in and do a c-section or something once or twice a week to do a c-section or something. She wants something to distract her from her life. She says at least she has power of life when she's in an OR."

"I'll see what I can do." the Chief nodded.

"We'd like to keep Mikey enrolled full time at the pre-school though. We know that part time employees only get part time child care and we're willing to pay the difference, we're willing to pay in full if needed. It's just that the hospital's daycare is accredited as a preschool and kindergarten and it is one of the best in the city and Addie and I wants the best for Michael."

"I don't know if I can do that, Derek. I down have any power of the day care, we just leased that space to the company. Our team has priority and costs are covered but it is open to general public and there is a very long waiting list. If you and Addie both significant cut down hours then you might not meet their requirements for a priority spot in the program." Richard said regretfully. "I can talk to them but I can't make any promises. But I'm sure Adele would love to help out if needed."

"Thank you, Richard. Really. For everything."

"No problem." Richard smiled in response. "Hope everything works out for you two."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, so do I. I don't even want to imagine an alternative."

* * *

"Daddy?" Michael started, looking up at his father as the walked out of the hospital's lobby toward the physicians' parking lot that same evening. "Do you 'member my friend Kara?"

"Um..." Derek paused, thinking back at all the similar looking little blond girls with K names at Michael's pre-school. "Sure." he decided was the safest answer. "The blond one, right?" he elaborated vaguely.

Michael nodded. "Her mommyz a docta too!" he exclaimed. "But her Daddy just dieded cuz he was sick for a weally long time."

"Oh..." Derek trailed off, taking hold of his son's hand as the stepped off the curb toward rows and rows of parked cars.

"Do you know what dieded is, Daddy?" Michael asked. "Kara can't see or talk to her Daddy anymore. Like he dis-peared."

"Yeah, I know what that means, baby."

"Mommy can't dis-pear, okay?" Michael clarified with his father. "'Cuz she beed sick for a weally long time, too."

"No, honey, we won't let Mommy disappear. We are going to do everything we can to make sure your mommy gets better." Derek assured his son.

Michael's looked up at his father once again, not content with that answer. He took a few seconds to think about what he was going to say then quietly started again, "Her is not gonna stay in the hospibale, right? 'Cuz Kara's Daddy had to stay in the hospibale lots of time 'fore he dieded." he asked his father hopefully. "Only weally weally sick peoples have to stay in the hospibale. Right, Daddy?" he looked to Derek for confirmation.

He looked down at the child with a sudden loss of words. He didn't want to admit the truth and tell his son that at some point Addison may have no choice but to be checked into the hospital for an unknown period of time. He also did not want to steal his son's innocent youth by telling him that he may lose his mother prematurely. "Mommy is not going anywhere for now." Derek promised the child as he guided him toward their car.

"Kara's Daddy had somefing called 'ancer. That's not what Mama has, right?" he pressed his father for more information.

"I uh..." Yet another loss of words. Derek couldn't tell Michael that his mother did indeed have cancer but he would be lying if he said she didn't and he didn't want to be the type of parent to lie to his child. "Honey, I'm sure that Mommy does not have the same illness that Kara's dad had." he told Michael. It wasn't really a lie because Kara's father could not have had uterine cancer.

"Good." Michael sighed, looking visibly relieved.

* * *

How adorable is Michael? I feel like he takes this story to a whole new level of heartbreak because he's just so innocent and adorable.


	4. Chapter 4

Michael turned over in his small bed situated across the trailer. It was tiny and cramped but Michael never complained, if he felt too constricted he'd go crawl into his parents bed and fall asleep instantly. He'd stopped doing that since his mother got sick. He had been told many times that he moves a lot in his sleep, that he kicks and squirms and he knew Addison needed to be as comfortable as possible.

He opened his eyes when he heard his mother's cell phone go off and then carefully navigated through the dark trailer to answer it before it could wake his parents.

"Mommy's phone." Michael answered after digging it out of her Chanel purse carelessly left on the kitchen table. "But I is not Mommy." he warned the caller.

"Michael." Bizzy recognized. "Hi, sweetheart, it's Bizzy."

"Bizzy!" Michael exclaimed, unable to restain his excitement "Hi!"

"Why are you awake, Michael? I'm sure it's way past your bedtime."

"I was sleepin' but now I's awake cuz I heared Mama's cell phone. Her is sleepin' so you is gots to call back to talk to her."

"She's sleeping? It's barely midnight in Seattle. Your mom never sleeps before midnight, not ever." In fact, it was almost 3 in the morning on the east coast but Bizzy had waited up to ensure that Addison would be home from work and settled enough to give them time to talk.

"That was old Mommy. Now Mommy's gots to sleep lot and lots cause her's sick and she is gets tired weally easy, Bizzy."

"She's sick?" Bizzy asked, the thought resulting in a sense of maternal concern she'd never experienced when her children were young enough to still be in her care.

"Yup. Her sleeps lots and her does icky a lot. Daddy 'pends lots of time helping her in the bafroom; 'pessially at night."

"Icky?" Bizzy repeated, wondering what that could possibly mean. Her first though was that Addison had lost the ability to control her bowel movements. That would certainly disgusted anyone, especially a three and a half year old child. Then she realized that a 35 year old woman with no previous medical issues would have no reason for such an ailment. "What does icky mean, sweetheart?" she asked when nothing else came to mind.

"Icky is what peoples do when they is sick." Michael explained and added a gagging noise for further description.

"Oh! She's vomiting." Bizzy understood immediately. "Honey, is Mommy feeling sick because she is going to have a baby?"

Michael's eyes got wider._ A baby?_ he thought. _My bed too little to share with a baby!_ "No! No, no, no, no. No way! I is her baby!" he specially told his grandmother to clear up any doubt. The prospect of competition for his parents' love bringing tears to his eyes because he was already seeing less of his mom. If a baby came it would only get worse. "Her is weally sick and she is has to get shots to make her feel betta."

"Shots? What kind of shots?" Bizzy asked.

Michael sighed heavily. "I is only thwee, Bizzy. I is not a docta like Mommy and Daddy." he reminded his grandmother. "But I's gonna go to docta school, too. Like Mommy and Daddy. But I's gots to turn 4 first. Mama says I gots to wait lots 'fore I can go to docta school. It's a_fter _kingergarten!"

"Honey, I really need to speak to your mom. Can you please wake her up and give her the phone?" Bizzy asked as nicely as she could.

"Fine." Michael huffed, giving up the hope to explain it himself. He went over to his mother's side of the bed and nudged her arm. "Mommy." he whispered.

"Mmm" Addison grumbled in her sleep.

"Bizzy wants you." he informed his mother and held out the phone to her.

Addison opened her eyes and took the phone from her son who proceeded to crawl in the bed between his parents to go back to sleep.

"I'm sorry for waking you, dear. You could call me back if you really want to go back to sleep, I'm just worried about you. You haven't been answering my calls at work or your cell." Bizzy started when she heard Addison yawn into the phone.

"What time is it?" Addison wondered out loud.

"It should be about midnight over there." Bizzy replied. "Maybe a bit passed. You want to call me back?"

"No. It's fine. I've been in bed since 6."

"That's quite a nap." Bizzy commented. "Michael was telling me that you're sick, he's says you've been vomitting and sleeping a lot. That's how your first trimester was when you were pregnant with him, right? I asked if you were expecting but he seemed to be terrified of the thought of having a sibling. I take it he doesn't know."

"He doesn't know because I'm not pregnant, mother." Addison answered.

"Then why else would you be sick and exhausted all the time?"

"Chemotherapy does that to a person." Addison mumbled.

"Chemo?" Bizzy exclaimed at once. "Addison, people are usually given chemo to treat cancer. You never get sick, not with anything. How can you possibly have cancer? It's not possible, dear. You need to find a new doctor if your current one thinks it's cancer."

"Bizzy, my doctor is not wrong. I have stage two uterine cancer."

Bizzy took a deep breath and for the first time in her life she was speechless. After almost a full minute of silence she finally asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

"No." Addison said softly, glancing over at her sleeping son who was contently cuddled up to his father. "Derek and I have got it all covered. We're doing alright for now."

"But I should do something to help. Technically this is my fault, right? I passed this gene down to you."

"No, not necessarily. I mean, in my experience there are women with like...all of the risk factors who never get the illness and then I've seen women who have none of the risk factors but they do have it. I don't have any risk factors. I've had a child, I'm not menopausal, I'm not obese and I've never had any other medical issues. It just happened, you probably didn't pass it down to me. But um, you can be tested just to make sure to see if you're a carrier of the gene. If you are then you might want to consider a prophylactic hysterectomy and oophorectomy. You've already gone through menopause so you shouldn't have any hormonal imbalances afterward."

"I didn't call for medical advice, Addison, I'm not worried about myself right now, I'm worried about you."

"Well, you don't have to be worried about me. You've never worried about me and nothing changes now with this diagnosis. You don't need to call me once a week to check up on me, you don't need to fly out here to take care of me, and you don't need to worry constantly. I don't need you to suddenly start acting like a mother, I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You've got cancer. You need someone, you can't do this alone."

"Thanks for the reminder, Mother, you know it's the type of thing that constantly slips my mind." Addison replied sarcastically. Sarcasm had always been her defense mechanism of choice. "I'm sorry, that was rude. But really, Bizzy, I'm okay so far. There is nothing you can do for now. Besides, I'm not alone. I have someone. I've got my husband and he's truly been amazing through all of this. He and Michael are all I need right now."

* * *

Derek had done everything in his power to be there for her. He was alway home in time to make sure Addison and Michael were taken care of. He remembered that she briefly mentioned an appointment for chemotherapy and cleared his schedule to be there with her.

He got off the elevator and looked around for the nurse's station. He'd never been the chemo triage at Seattle Grace. Once he located the traige he gave the nurse his signature dreamy smile and said, "Hi, I'm looking for my wife. Addison Shepherd, or maybe she's listed as Montgomery-Shepherd. I know she was scheduled for chemo today but I can't remember the time. I'm just hoping I didn't miss it."

"You didn't miss it, Dr. Shepherd. Your wife requested to be in a private room for all treatments so she's all the way down the hall. Room 602."

"Thank you." Derek smiled in response before rushing over toward her private room. He opened the door and stepped into the dim room and saw her sitting on an armchair in one of her two thousand dollar short designer dresses, a blanket over her lap to keep her warm.

"You know, most people change into hospital gowns." he teased as he approached her and leaned in to kiss her lips softly.

"Well, in case you have not discovered this in the last decade or so, I'm not 'most people.' Besides, hospital gowns are so unflattering."

"You're right, you are not most people which is why I think you'd be able to make a hospital gown look very flattering." Derek replied. "I know of many many men who would love to see your ass exposed for the world to see in one of those gowns."

"That was before." Addison murmured. "Back when I had a toned body with actual curves. Now I'm like a stick figure."

"That's not true, you do not look like a stick figure. You've lost weight, yes, I won't lie and say your body is the same but you're definitely not a stick figure."

"Derek..."

"If you need further reassurance I can tell you that you've still got the most perfect breasts I've ever seen. And that should mean a lot because I did have that prolonged plastics rotation during residency because I almost followed Mark's shallow lead."

"Most people would disagree with that statement but thank you." Addison murmured.

"Well, in case you have noticed in the last decade or so, I'm not 'most people.'" Derek mimicked her tone from earlier.

"You're right, you are unlike anyone I have ever met." Addison replied with a small smile. "What are you doing here anyway? You only work five hour a day, you don't have time to take a break to come here to be with me."

Derek shrugged in response. "I had one surgery and a couple of consults. I came in an hour early for the surgery, did one consult and had a resident do the other and now I'm here. You didn't think I would miss it, did you? I would have cancelled everything I had for today if that's what needed to be done." Derek answered her questioned. " I um, I did some research, it says the day of the treatment is usually kind of difficult to get through. You're gonna be exhausted and you might feel sick and I just wouldn't want you to be alone. You can try to relax and I'll take care of Mikey so he doesn't bother you."

Addison didn't respond, she watched as what could only be compared to poison dripped into her IV line then ran directly into her vein. "Derek, we have to talk about what happens if this doesn't work." she whispered almost unwillingly.

"I don't want to talk about what would happen because it won't happen. This is going to work." he replied shortly.

"We have to be prepared for it, Derek. We can lie to ourselves and pretend everything will be okay. This is cancer we're talking about, it's not a cold. People die from this every single day."

"So what, Addison? You don't know how this will end and I will not let you waste time planning your own fucking funeral."

"We're not going to plan my funeral, Derek but we need to get things in order." she explained reasonably. "Our lawyer has my will, I updated it recently so there shouldn't be any gray areas. I've barely used anything from my trust fund, just like 750 thousand to pay off our student loans. There should be a little over 24 million, plus whatever interest it's collected and that will transfer into Michael's name. He can access it after 25. But I don't want him to know he'd got a trust fund because I want him to succeed on his own, he shouldn't rely on that money like we didn't rely on it."

"Addison, I really don't want to sit here and map out our son's future. You are going to be fine. We are going to raise him together, we'll take it as it comes. He won't become a spoiled little asshole."

"What if, Derek?" Addison emphasized. "I just want to be prepared."

"Okay." Derek murmured. "In the off chance that something is to happen to you then I will make sure our son does not become anything like your brother." he replied teasingly, trying to lighten the moment.

Addison glared at Derek, although the smirk growing on her face made it hard for Derek to feel threatened. "I've got him on a waiting list for priority enrollment at Norte Dame for middle school and high school, if you're still living here he should definitely go there. A lot of their students get accepted into Ivy League and I want Mikey to have that opportunity..."

Derek nodded with a sigh. He hated having to listen to all the plans she'd made for their son and he hated that she was losing faith that she'd live to see it happen. "Okay." he mumbled again.

"Can I just ask you one question? It's probably not any of my business and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, okay?"

"Go ahead."

"Would you remarry? No, wait that was wrongly put. Of course you'd remarry. You're a very good looking 36 year old brain surgeon, you can have anyone you want. What I mean to ask is, how long would you wait before you entered another serious relationship?"

"Addison..."

"I'm just asking because I want Michael to have a mother figure in his life. I have to accept the fact that he may be too young to remember me if something were to happen.."

"Okay; and now we have reached the point in this very awkward conversation where I tell you to stop talking. Mikey is not going to forget you, no matter what. No woman that ever comes into our lives will be able to take on the role as his mother. He'll always know who his mother is, ...or was, I don't know. Talking about your death is scaring me. Can we just stop, please? I'm beggin you."

"Derek, I just want to be prepared for whatever may happen. I know it's not pleasant to think about this but it comes with the territory. We have to be ready for anything, you have to be ready..."

"This is you giving up, that's why this conversation is bothering me. . That look on your face, that's the same look you've had for the last week. And it kills me because I know what it means, I see the guilt in your eyes, the way you hold Michael every night before bed like you're never going to hold him again. I see the regret you've got hiding behind every smile. It scares me. It all scares the fuck out of me. So excuse me if I don't wanna sit here and watch slowly give up."

"You don't think any of this scares me? You think I'm thrilled about all of this. I've got a child to think about. He's not even four, Derek. If I die he's not going to remember a single thing about me. I might never have the chance to see on his first day of school, I won't be there when he gets his first loose tooth or when he thinks he's in love with the first slut he dates. You'll have excuse those lingering bedtime hugs because that's all I have right now. If he'll remember anything about me, maybe it'll be that." she yelled.

Derek blinked away tears that had formed at the thought of his wife's premature death. "I promised Mikey that I wouldn't let you die." he whispered.

"Derek..." she paused, taking in a deep breath. "You shouldn't have done that. You have no control over that and neither do I. You should not make promises you can't keep."

"I'm not ready for you to give up." Derek continued. "I know you're not getting any better, I realize that. And it terrifies me. I noticed that you're more and more exhausted after each treatment." he looked into her eyes for a few seconds, tears shining in his own. "Your eyes don't sparkle anymore." he whispered sadly. "I see all of it, all the little signs that add up to one big picture that scares the fuck out of me. I'm just trying to lie to myself because it can't be true. I can't lose you. You can't lose this fight, Addison."

"Derek..." she tried again, reaching out to take his hand into hers to hold it as tight as she could. With her diminishing strength and growing exhaustion she could barely manage a firm grip and Derek realized it all too well.

"I need you to tell me it'll going to be alright. I know I'm supposed to be the one comforting you but right now I need to hear those words coming out of your mouth. Even if you're lying, I just need you to say them. Please."

She squeezed his hand lightly, only because that's all she was physically capable of. "Everything is going to be fine."

Derek leaned closer to her, wrapping his arms around her. To anyone else it was just a gesture of affection but his intent was to hold her, to protect her from the outside world; to protect them from everything that threatened life as they knew it. "This can't be the end of our story." he whispered, sniffling as he pulled away.

"There's a box of tissues behind you." she told him, gesturing to the wheelie tray with a tissue box and the unused hospital gown.

"It's just um...allergies."

"You don't have allergies and it's not even allergy season." Another smirk appeared on her face as she watched her husband defend his masculinity. "Honey, it's okay to cry once in awhile, especially over something like this."

"I'm not crying." he repeated firmly when he felt a tear slipping down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly but accepted defeat when the stream of tears didn't disappear. He collapsed back onto his seat and dropped his head into his hands. "So what if I am crying?" he asked between a series of shaky breaths.

Addison forced herself up from her cushioned chair, using all the strength she could muster despite the obvious exhaustion that had been plaguing her. "Sit down." she told him.

Derek moved over onto the arm chair then carefully helped her settle on his lap. His arms remained wrapped securely around her waist, holding her close and steady as she nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck then looked up at the almost empty IV bag. His eyes followed her line of vision and the sighed. "This can't be the end of our story." he repeated, her impending mortality slowing sinking in.

"This won't be the end of our story." Addison promised in return.

* * *

What's my favorite part of this chapter you ask? Michael's disappointment that he's gotta wait until after kindergarten to go to medical school. I just can't get over how adorable this fictional child is!

What do you guys think?


	5. Chapter 5

The blaring of Derek's cell phone alarm woke Addison. She turned on her side toward Derek's side of the bed only to find it vacant. "Derek?" she called out groggily.

"Hey." he whispered, smiling at her. "Have you seen my Zenga tie? The black one."

"Why do you need a tie?" Addison asked, pushing herself up on her elbows to see Derek who was standing over in front his side of the cramped closet.

"The Chief called me an hour ago, he says the board wants to see me before my shift. He claims it's important and urgent. I have to look professional for them, right? That means I need to wear a tie? I don't know... Do you think I don't have to wear a tie? Oh my god, I don't have to wear a bow tie do I? I don't even think I own a bow tie."

"No, Derek, you do not need to wear a bow tie. I think you should wear a tie, you look incredibly sexy when you wear a tie. Oh, you know what, wear the black Armani shirt." Addison answered honestly. "The Zenga tie is on the hanger with your white Dolce and Gabbana dress shirt."

"Thanks." he murmured, shuffling through the small closet spaced packed with clothes to find the hanger with that specific shirt.

"Mhmm." she murmured, falling back on the pill with a sigh. "Let me know if you need me to tie it."

"I'm a brain surgeon, Addie, I think I can manage to tie my tie." he responded as she buttoned up the Armani shirt his wife had suggested earlier. He fitted the tie beneath the collar and attempted to tie but groaned frustration thirty seconds later. "Addie, I need help tying my tie." he murmured.

Addison sat up again, a smirk on her lips as she reached out to help with with his tie. "I can't even begin to explain how sexy you look." she added with a quick peck on his lips before getting back into bed. "What's this meeting about anyway?"

"I don't know." Derek admitted.

"Something good or something bad?" Addison asked. "Maybe they're giving you more funding for new equipment or um, funding for a clinical trial?"

"Addison, I'm working 5 hour shifts. When would I have time to run a clinical trial?" he pointed out.

"Good point. Um, if it's bad what can it be? Did you lose a patient recently that brought negative attention to the hospital? Do you not have enough CME hours to renew your medical license...although we always renew our licenses together and as far as I know we have like two or three years before they expire."

"Or they might be firing me."

"Why would they fire you?" Addison asked, rolling her eyes at the suggestion. "I don't know if you missed that memo from the American Medical Association but you're the number one neurosurgeon on the west coast and number two in the country after that Ginsberg lady. No one in their right mind would fire you. And even if they do, you could get a job anywhere."

"You're right." Derek mumbled. "I'm have to wake Mikey and get him ready but I'll call you after the meeting to let you know what it was about." he promised.

"Okay."

"Oh, and I'll be home in time to take you to your oncologist appointment." he added.

"Derek, you don't have to come all the way back here to pick me up and then drive back to the hospital. I can take a taxi to the hospital and we'll drive back together."

"I will come home and pick you up." he repeated, emphasising each word.

* * *

"Derek Shepherd, nice of you to join us." one of the men in the conference room spoke up.

Derek checked his watch and groaned. "I um, got paged on my way in. My resident wanted to run something by me before one of her surgeries." he lied, taking a seat in one of the empty chairs around the table.

"Dr. Shepherd, we asked you to join us this morning because we've got a few things to discuss with you."

Derek nodded. "Okay."

"We've talked to Dr. Webber and we've looked through your patient history, we even spoke to a few of your previous patients and colleagues about your work and we feel..."

"You feel that my work has decreased in quality lately." Derek finished for them. "Are you firing me?"

"No, no, we're not firing."

"Then what's going on here?" Derek asked curiously, staring at the six men.

"We called you hear to offer you a promotion, Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Webber will be retiring at the end of this year and we think you would be the perfect candidate to fill in as chief."

"Chief? Chief of Surgery?"

"Yes, however there are some conditions."

Derek's grin grew as he nodded. "Name them." he said apprehencively.

"You can't continue working 5 hour shifts. 25 hours a week is not enough for the future chief of staff. We need to see that dedication you used to have, Shepherd. That drive that kept you here for two consecutive 24 hour shifts, the willingness to go above and beyond to show everyone that you are the best at what you do."

The smile on Derek's lips faded and his eyes shifted from the board members to where his left hand on his lap, his wedding ring catching his eye instead.

"Something wrong, doctor?" one of the men asked him.

"I'm not the man for the job." Derek answered surely.

"Derek, this is all you've been dreaming about since you graduated medical school." Richard Webber spoke up. "At least take a few days to think it over. It's an amazing opportunity."

"I realize that, but at this point in my life it's not what I want."

"It's what everyone wants. You're a strong person, Shepherd, the most dedicated and driven people I've ever met. You've been able to handle the stresses that come with this field fairly well by far. That's one the reasons we are so impressed with you. We just need you to understand that you don't base this decision on where you are in life, you base where you are in life around this decision. Being chief will change everything..."

"Exactly." Derek agreed. "And I don't want anything to change. I will not go back to spending 24 hour shifts stuck in this place. I can not allow my career to take priority over my family. And you're wrong. I am not the strongest, most dedicated and driven person out there. That would be my wife. She is amazing in every sense of the word and she deserves most than what I could give her if I accepted the position."

"Derek, maybe you shouldn't give up on this so soon. Talk to Addison about it. See what her thoughts are." Richard suggested softly.

"Dr. Webber is right, Shepherd, if you are so dedicated to your family then maybe you can take your wife's opinion into consideration before making a decision. She's a surgeon, too, or at least she was until recently. I'm sure she's had her own fantasies of being chief, she'll understand the magnitude of this opportunity and I'm sure she wouldn't hold you back."

"She's not holding me back and I don't need to ask her! I am not a child and she is not my mother. I don't need to ask for permission. This is my decision to make and while I appreciate the offer, I simply have no interest in accepting." Derek affirmed, getting up from his seat and quickly moving toward the door. He suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned around, "By the way, my wife is a surgeon, not was. She is a very talented, internationally renowned and praised surgeon. Her absence over the last few months has not changed that."

* * *

"You ready to go Addie?" Derek asked as soon as he unlocked the door to the trailer and stepped inside.

Addison stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of dark wash jeans and a simple v-neck t-shirt. She'd tied her hair back into a pony hair. "I'm too lazy too put on make up."

"You don't need to put on make-up, Addie. You look fine." Derek replied.

"You don't think I look too pale? I guess I could just put on foundation to give me some color. We don't want people thinking you're walking around with a ghost, especially considering how unrealistically amazing you look today."

"No, honey, you don't need to put on foundation. You are beautiful and you always will be. I would never lie to you, you know that."

"I do know that. But I also know that you are biased."

"Addie, please. Can we just get going?" Derek asked, letting out all the air in his lungs impatiently.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Did something happen? You said you would call me after the meeting with the board and you didn't."

"No, nothing happened. It was alright. It was nothing to worry about." he answered, trying to hide as much of the truth as possible.

"That still doesn't answer my question. Why did they want to see you?" Addison probed him gently. He'd been so attentive of her over the last couple of months and she only wanted nothing more than to be able to do the same for him.

"Can we not talk about it?"

"No, Derek, we can't. It was obviously something important and I don't want to be kept in the dark."

"Addison..."

"Derek, I will not go back to the way things were a few months ago. I don't want to feel like you need to hide things from me and I don't want to hide anything from you. The level of intimacy we've shared since I told you about the cancer, the bond we re-developed, I don't want to lose that again."

"They offered me Chief of Surgery after Richard retires at the end of the year and I told them I wasn't interested."

"What?" Addison exclaimed, smacking his chest with her first though it didn't pack as much punch as it once did. "That's incredible, Derek, why would you turn down an opportunity like that?"

"For you! For us!" Derek exclaimed.

"What?"

"I don't want to be like Richard, Addie. I don't want to miss out on everything because of that job. He's never home with Adele. He's like...married to his desk and that damn chair. I don't want that. I want to come home to you and Michael. I don't want to sleep in an on-call room after a 24 hour shift filled with gory surgeries. I want to work short shifts, do common procedures perfectly and tell a family that everything went great then I wanna come home and sleep in my own bed next to my wife."

"I'm sure you could do it on your own terms."

Derek shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be on my terms. They set the conditions and they expected me to start working longer effective ASAP to show them what I'm capable of. There is no way in hell I'd do that."

"It's your decision, Derek. I'm not trying to change your mind. I'm just surprised because this is always what you've wanted."

"No, that was what I wanted in the past. These last two or three months have changed everything I envisioned for my future. It's like all of a sudden all I want for my future is for you to make it through this so we can just..enjoy our lives."

"But if something happens to me you're going to need the distraction."

"If something were to happen to, which it won't, but if it did, then I wouldn't want to deprive Michael of two parents."

"You're sure?" Addison asked. "You're really going to give up Chief of Surgery?"

"Easiest decision I've ever made. I have literally never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Now can we please get going? I don't want you to be late for this appointment."

* * *

The doctor pushed her office door open and smiled when she saw Addison and Derek seated in front of her desk. "I'm sorry to keep you two waiting, I'm a little behind today because of an appointment that ran too long this morning." She held her hand out to Derek and introduced herself, "Karen Sharp."

Derek shook her hand and said, "Derek Shepherd. Addison's husband."

"Oh, you ended up telling your husband." The doctor smiled at Addison who nodded with no further expression. "I'm glad, I was worried about how you've been getting through the chemo and everything alone."

"She's not alone. She's got me and she knows that now. I'm there to support her no matter what."

"That's good." the woman nodded. "How have you been responding to the chemo, Addie?"

"I don't know." Addison mumbled.

"We were kind of hoping you could tell us how she's been responding to chemo." Derek filled in for her. "Is it helping? How is she doing?"

"I'm waiting on your test results, I've got a nurse picking up her lab work and radiology reports right now." she answered. "I meant symptoms wise, how are you taking to it? I see you haven't lost all your hair. That's great. That's one of the things patients always have the hardest time with."

Addison silently stared at her doctor.

"Well, her hair has been gradually thinning. She's not losing clumps at a time and I think she's grateful for that but her hair is not as full as it was before this whole thing and I that carries a hard enough toll on her." Derek spoke up once again.

"And everything else? Have you experienced any fatigue, nausea, pain, sensitivity to smell, loss of appetite?"

"All of the above." Addison whispered.

"Addison, I'm your doctor. You have to give me more information than that so I can help you." the woman stated calmly and sympathetically.

"She's been exhausted ever since she started the treatments. It's almost impossible for her to do anything. She sleep over 12 hours a day. She's got almost no appetite to speak of, the only thing she eats willingly are saltine crackers. We both consider it a miracle if she can actually keep down down. And just calling it nausea is an understatement for Addison. It keeps her up all night, we spend nights on the bathroom floor because of what this treatment does to her. It's torture just to watch her go through it, I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel. So after everything she's been through with the treatments we just hope it made a difference." Derek explained in Addison's place when he realized she wasn't going to say anything to her doctor.

"I had no idea you were taking it so badly, I mean, there are other options, Addison. At the very least we could get you on medicine to help with the nausea."

"Dr. Sharp, I've got Mrs. Shepherd's test results." A nurse announced as she stepped into the office to deliver the file containing results.

"Thank you." the woman answered as she reached out to take the file. "And its Dr. Shepherd, not Mrs. Shepherd." she corrected the nurse who was on her way out of the room.

Silence filled the room while the doctor read over the results. Derek took the time to glance over at his wife, watching her become visibly paler with every second of silence. He reached over to take her hand, giving her a reassuring squeeze to remind her that he'd be by her side no matter what the test results revealed.

Derek's eyed the doctor, noticing the minor details on her facial expression. Her lips had shifted from a smile to a thin line, her eyes were narrow, focuses on one specific portion of the test results she was reading over. But the one detail that really terrified Derek was the silence. All added together, Derek knew that this nightmare was no where near over.

* * *

Review!


	6. Chapter 6

Derek followed Addison into the trailer after their appointment with her oncologist. They hadn't spoken a word to one another in the car and Derek was afraid to break the silence. The ice was thin and he knew it but he didn't want to let the silence consume them. He stood in the middle of the trailer and watched her pick up a few of Michael's toys from the ground then move toward the sink full of dishes. He just stood there, watching as she washed a plate, noticing her hands trembling just slightly as she tried to restrain tears.

"Adele picked up Michael from daycare today. You need to go pick him up from the Webbers'." she murmured to her husband.

"I'll get him." Derek whispered back. "Leave the dishes, Addie. I'll take care of it when I get back." he offered.

"Shut up." she snapped, taking out all her anger on him. "I've got cancer, I'm not handicap. I can wash dishes." That's when the glass in her hand shattered, she'd tightened her grip without noticing it causing the delicate hand-blown Italian glass to shatter. "Fuck." she said under her breath.

Derek moved closer to look over her shoulder. "Did you cut your hand?" he asked.

"Derek." she warned with a glare in his direction. Just once over the last month or so she wanted to be self sufficient and independent.

He backed away, giving her some space. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you. I think I have the right to worry about you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Derek. Nothing happened. It's not the first time I broke a dish."

"I'm not talking about breaking the dish." Derek clarified. "I'm talking about..."

"Am I okay?" Addison repeated his words without letting him go on any further. "I put myself through absolute hell and got no result from it. No, I am not okay."

"It's not that you didn't get a result, Addie, it's just not a result we wanted. If you hadn't done this cycle of chemo the cancer may have spread. This could have kept it contained and that in and of itself is enough."

"I had poison pumped into my body in massive doses. We spent nights on the bathroom floor, my hair is still falling out, there are days that I can't sit up because of sheer exhaustion. I don't remember what real food tastes like. I was expecting something to come out of all of this..." Addison trailed off.

"I know, I was hoping for something more too. You maintained a status quo, you're still stage 2 and that means we have options. We can try a more aggressive combination of chemo drugs." Derek suggested.

"A stronger combination? Are you insane? Can you imagine what a stronger combination of chemo would do to me? I'd never be able to leave the bathroom floor. I'd sleep on the floor in between bouts of vomiting."

"First of all, there is no room for you on our bathroom floor. Even if there was, I wouldn't let you sleep in there. I'll take a leave of absence from work and care for you full time. If that's what it takes to get through this then we need to make it work."

"Again, Derek, it's not '_we_' it's_ me_. I'm the one that is going to go through it. I'm sure watching is not pleasant and is difficult in it's own right. I know this is hard for you too. Derek, I know you love me, I know you think we're in this together but you do not know what this is like. Until you've been through it you don't know what it's like. And trust me when I say it's so torturous that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

"So what, Addison? We're just supposed to give up because that first try didn't help?"

"Im not saying that we should give up, I'm just not sure what my course of action will be."

"Surgery?" Derek suggested. "Hysterectomy and oopherectomy. I know it's not ideal to through menopause at 35 after such procedure but you can take hormone replacement drugs and maybe ease that transition..."

"And how do you suppose I will carry another child without a uterus? And where will that child come from if I don't have ovaries to produce eggs?"

"We can use a surrogate and a donor egg. We can use my sperm to do IVF and implant it in a surrogate."

"And what happens when you get over this phase? When you remember that you're in love with another woman and I'm just the whore who slept with your bestfriend? What happens when you go back to hating every fiber of my being and you take that child and walk away. I wouldn't be able to fight for custody because it would be your child and not mine."

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I don't even know where to start." Derek groan. "This isn't a phase and I don't see myself leaving you at any point. I wouldn't be talking about having another child with you if I wasn't certain that I want to make it work no matter what. And, Addison, even if something were to happen I'd never take our children away from you. You are an amazing mother and our children deserve to have that in their lives."

"People don't think clearly when they're in divorce negotiations." Addison pointed out logically.

"Okay, fine. We won't use my sperm. Donor egg, donor sperm, surrogate. Or we can adopt. There are so many unfortunate kids out there and we have resources to change their lives...Just get the surgery and we'll figure all of this out later. Right now infertility really doesn't seem as bad as cancer. We can deal with this obstacle now and take the rest as they come..."

"I have to think about it." Addison whispered. "I need more than two minutes to decide if I want to be gutted out and...dewomanized."

"You are one of the best gynecologic surgeons in this country. I don't think I need to tell you that this procedure will not make you any less of a woman."

"How masculine would you feel without your testicles, Derek?" Addison retorted.

* * *

Richard Webber spotted Derek sitting by himself at a table in the cafeteria. He walked over and took a seat across from the brain surgeon. "Did you talk to Addison about the promotion?"

"Yes." Derek replied, biting a large piece out his cardboard-tasting, cafeteria-vending machine sandwich.

"And what did she have to say about it?"

Derek swallowed and looked up at Richard. "I already told you that I'm not changing my mind, Richard. I didn't tell her because I needed her to help me make the decision. Like I said, she's not my mother. I can make my own decisions. I just spoke to her about it because she's my wife and that means I shouldn't keep things from her."

"I'm not asking you to change your mind, Derek. I admire the fact that you are putting your family first. Not too many surgeons at this hospital would do that." Richard answered honestly. "I can't help but think that I were half as determined as you are then my marriage would be a hell of a lot better."

"It's the cancer..."

"What do you mean? What does Addison having cancer have anything to do with how dedicated you are to her and Michael? Wouldn't you do it regardless?"

"It woke me up."

"What do you mean?" Richard asked.

"The cancer is the reason I am the way I am about Addie and Mikey. I've heard so many people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone but I never believed it. But now, after this diagnosis, I know it's true."

"You mean that you wouldn't have stuck around and put this much effort in your family if Addison wasn't sick?"

"No, at least I hope not. I wanted it to work but I just couldn't bring myself to cut back on work enough to make a real effort. But then she was diagnosed and I realized that she's not immortal, that we're not immortal. We can die at any given second and that scares the shit out of me because I'm losing more and more of her everyday. This disease is eating her alive, and I mean that literally. Everyday she's weaker and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to protect her. I can't protect her from death and I can't deal with that."

"I know it's not easy..."

"The chemo didn't work." Derek informed Richard sadly. It was the first time he'd spoken to someone else about his wife's condition. "I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to go home and tell my wife that everything will be fine if I don't even believe it myself anymore."

"That happens. No one said that one cycle of chemo would be the whole fight. It's a long and difficult road..."

"That's the understatement of the century." Derek murmured. "Oh, damn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bombard you with all my stress."

"No, it's fine. I'm here to talk whenever you want. You and Addie are like family to me, I want to help in anyway I can. Listening is really the least I can do."

"It's just that I can't talk to Addison about how I feel about all of this because I'm sure it's nothing compared to what's going through her mind. I don't want to put an extra load on her shoulders by telling her what's been going on in my mind through all of this. But keeping it insane isn't exactly easy."

"Derek you could have come to me sooner, you know?"

"What am I supposed to do if Addison can't beat this? How the fuck do you even begin to tell a child who is not even four that his mother is dead? Where is the justice in that? How does this possibly happen to a young woman in perfect health with absolutely no risk factors for uterine cancer? Why us? Why now? Why, just why?" Derek spoke is mind for the first time, asking the unanswered questions that burned within him since the day the diagnosis came.

"I wish I knew, Shep, I wish I knew."

~Later that Night~

"Mommy!" Michael exclaimed, running into Addison's waiting arms as soon as he stepped foot in the trailer after a long day at pre-school.

"Hey, sweetheart." Addison greeted, patting on her lap to gesture her son to climb on. She didn't have enough strength to lift him but she didn't want to tell him that.

Michael climbed onto his mother's lap and wrapped his arms around her neck, placing a kiss on her cheek. "I misted you." he told his mother. "How come you's not go to the hospibable anymore? When you is go-ed to work you always camed to see me."

"Michael, Mommy is sick, remember? She can't work if she's sick." Derek reminded the child somberly.

"Still?" Michael asked, eyeing Addison with skepticism. "But you gots shots. How come it didn't make you feel betta?"

"Sometimes the medicine in the shots doesn't help. I need stronger medicine to help me get better."

"Oh..."Michael trailed off, pretending to understand although he was more confused than ever.

"You wanna go play outside for a little while, Mikey?" Derek offered.

"Yeah!" Michael jumped off his mother's lap eagerly.

"But don't play with dirt!" Addison called after him, recalling a time he came inside after only 5 minutes outside covered in dirt from head to toe. "And don't touch spiders or beetles or anything else that crawls or flies. "

Michael stopped in his tracks on the deck outside the trailer. "But, Mom..." he complained.

"You heard her, buddy. She's right. It's nasty." Derek affirmed. "Ride your tricycle or something."

"He is just too adorable for his own good." Addison murmured, watching him through the window.

"He's Sexy and he knows it. Probably gets that from his Daddy." Derek retorted cleverly. "How was your day?" he asked, moving closer to her to take a seat across from her.

"I've been doing a lot of research. I thought about it and weighed my options and decided to try chemo again."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked her. "You heard what Dr. Sharp said, it will be a lot harder this time because it will be a higher dosage. I'll be there for you every step of the way but, like you said, it won't really make things much easier for you."

Addison nodded her head. "I thought about radiation but radiation to the pelvis increases chances of a miscarriage. I can't go through a miscarriage after all of this. And surgery has been out for a while because I don't want to induce menopause at this age and I want to preserve my fertility so that leaves chemo. It's the hardest path but it's the best in the long run."

"And why is that?" Derek asked her, reaching across the table to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear.

"If this round successfully eliminates the cancer then we'd only have to wait 6 months to start trying for a pregnancy. In about 6 months, the eggs damaged by chemo should be filtered out of my body. I'm sure we'll be trying for a few months so in that time my body will shed more eggs so we should be safe."

"Okay, so it won't hurt the baby. The question is will a pregnancy so soon after cancer endanger you?"

Addison shrugged, "No way to tell, really. If one of my patients came to me in this situation and asked I'd recommend waiting 2 to 5 years after the cancer clears because recurrence is at its highest in that time. But it varies from person to person. I should be fine if I'm monitored."

"I don't know, Addie. It sounds like a really big risk...I'd rather play it safe."

"Well, when you're the one dying of cancer then you could do it however you want but you're not and I am so I'm the one that will make the choice."

"Will you please stop making it sound like you're the only one this is effecting?" Derek requested calmly. "I'm tired of feeling like an outsider in this battle. I've been by your side the whole time and you just keep me at arm's length. I don't have a say in anything but I'm always around when you need me."

"Are you accusing me of using you?" Addison asked ambivalently, surprised by how their conversation took such a drastic turn so quickly

"I wouldn't say you're using me. I think the problem is that you just don't care about my opinions and so you're pretending I have no right to be affected by any of this."

"Wow, Derek." Addison murmured while slowly shaking her head. "That's a new low, even for you."

"You know I'm right."

The problem was that she did know that he was right. She didn't want to think about how her family must have felt through the battle. She couldn't bear thinking of it so she tried to pretend that Derek didn't have a right to have an opinion. "This conversation is over." she muttered.

"Right, of course it is. Because that's what you always do. You shut down shut down when you know I'm right." he replied. "I'm gonna go get a drink." he added, getting up from his seat and grabbing his keys.

"Of course. Why wouldn't you walk away when things get rocky? After all, walking away is what you do best." Addison shot back, standing in the door to watch him make his way toward his car.

"Mommy!" Michael demanded attention. Addison tore her eyes away from Derek's retreating car to the child. "Where is Daddy goin'? I gots to show him somefing."

"Daddy is a little stressed out so he's going to relax a little. I'm sure he'll be back in a little while. What did you want to show him, buddy?" she asked.

Michael thought about it for a second, knowing his mother may not have a pleasant reaction. After a few seconds he decided that there was no way his mother wouldn't be excited for him. "I finded a wormie." He said from the bottom step, holding a wiggly worm up so his mother could see it.

Addison tried to control the urge to gag. "Are you crazy?" she exclaimed. "Oh, god; EW!" she added with a cringe, moving out the door. "Drop it, Michael, get rid of it and go inside and wash your hands."

"I's wants to keep it, Mama! I nameded him Wiggle."

"Well, you can't keep Wiggle. Put it down and let's go wash your hands." she repeated.

Michael groan and put the worm down in the grass before climbing the stairs toward his mother and the trailer.

"Don't touch anything." she said, holding the door open for him. "Didn't I tell you not to play with bugs?"

"You said I can't play wif a bug that flies or crawls. Wormies wiggle...that's why I named him Wiggle." he said, pointing out the obvious to his mother who clearly was not as happy as he hoped she would be. He let her guide him to the bathroom and watched as she turned on the sink and grab a brand new bottle of girly scented hand soap. Michael _hated _girly scented soap. _How come they don't make boy soap? _He wondered. _It could smell like a car or play-doh. _

Addison just shook her head and twisted the pump off the soap bottled. She turned it over until half of the Bed, Bath and Body Works soap was coating her son's tiny hands. "Wash." she instructed.

"Don't worry, Mommy, I didn't eat any." Michael assured, rubbing his hands together as hard as he could so he could fill the sink with suds. "They was _not _good last time. I almost had to go icky."

"Oh, my god." Addison cringed at the child's words, this time unable to hold back a gag. "You are never going outside ever again."

* * *

That last segment of the chapter that you just read; I this was the fourth version I wrote. It took be forever to think of something that worked. Everything else was just bitter fighting. I finally figured out how to tone down the argument between Derek and Addison then cut the tension with Michael. Let's face it, he makes everything better. But here's the thing- I'm terrified of bugs of all shapes and sizes. They disgust the living bejesus out of me. So writing about a worm was just about the worst thing ever. I'm not gonna lie, there was lots of gagging involved.

Ceu Mesquita: Thanks for catching that big mistake. I don't know when I would have noticed it if you didn't say something. That would have really sucked for future readers. It's be like "Wtf, this chapter has nothing to do with anything!" Thanks!

Now come time to Review!


	7. Chapter 7

Addison leaned back in the hospital bed, wincing when a nurse inserted the IV needle into her vein. She tried to block out her doctor giving the nurse instructions with the dosage and combination of chemo drugs. All she could think about was how she'd respond to the treatment; not just the side effects but rather if this cycle would held her.

"Ditched Dior for a hospital gown, huh? How did that happen?" her doctor asked, making conversation as the nurse set up the IV drip. "I think a few of the nurses had started a betting pool on what designer you'd be wearing."

"You said it would be harder this time with the higher dosage." Addison murmured, "You said I might experience nausea and vomiting during the treatment. This is obviously more practical."

"Since when do you listen to me? And since when do you go for what's more practical? You wore four inch heel during 12 hour shifts even though it's against hospital dress code." the woman asked with a smirk.

Addison shrugged. "I guess I just didn't want vomit on my designer clothes."

"And you didn't even threaten to sign out AMA when I suggested keeping you overnight. You're getting better at this whole being a patient thing."

"Yeah, I guess I have." she murmured. She had no choice but to adjust because the end of the road was not as close as she hoped it would be.

"Kay, Addie, I have to go, I've got a few other patients lined up. I'll be back to check on your later. Are you, uh, expecting Derek? It'll be easier to get through with company to keep your mind off of..." she was cut off my the sound of her pager. "Oh, gotta go. Have someone page me if you need me."

"Okay, Dr. Shepherd, this is all set up and running. I'm going to be right outside your room if you need me." the nurse informed her as she moved toward the door. "Oh, do you want me to page your husband?"

"No, um, actually..." she hesitated for a few seconds before continuing, "If Derek shows up tell him that I don't want to see anyone." Addison replied softly.

"Hey, Nurse Morrison, what room is Addison in?" Derek asked as he approached the nurse's station. He recalled her mentioning that today was her first round of the second attempt at chemo. He had gone home after his first surgery to pick her up but she wasn't there. He quickly realized she must have gone to the hospital herself so he rushed back to be with her.

"Actually, Dr. Shepherd, your wife is not accepting visitors right now. We have strict orders not to let anyone into her room." the nurse informed him regretfully.

"I'm her husband..." Derek trailed off. "I'm sure I'm an exception to that request."

"No, sir, she specifically said not to let you or anyone else in there." the woman answered.

"Okay, I'll um, wait in the waiting room to take her home when she's finished. Will you just please let her know I'm here just in case she changes her mind."

"Actually, sir, Dr. Sharp has admitted Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd for overnight observation. This dosage of chemo is much stronger and it will make her very weak, and there will be persistent vomiting. The doctor wants to keep her here hooked up to an IV keep her hydrated and Dr. Sharp wants her monitored."

"And Addie agreed to that?" Derek asked in surprise.

"Yes, sir, she did," the nurse answered.

"Um, okay, then um..." he hesitated with his request but continued after a second, "Will you please ask her to call me when she feels up to it?"

The nurse nodded, feeling sorry for the neurosurgeon. "Of course." she answered. "Um, Dr. Shepherd, I probably shouldn't do this but um..." there was a hesitant paused before she continued, "When Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd falls asleep I can call you and you can go in to see her for a few minutes."

"No, that's okay. If she doesn't want me in there than I can respect her wishes. Just have her given me a call if she feels up to it. Let her know that it doesn't matter what time it is." Derek replied.

* * *

After his nightly shower, Michael put on his pajamas and moved toward his small bed with a chosen story in his hand for Derek to read to him. "Daddy, you pwomised to wead to me!"

"Bud, you can sleep in our bed tonight. I know your bed is tiny and you're probably not comfortable in there. Mommy's not coming home tonight so there's lots of room for you." Derek offered the child who ran over to the larger bed happily. He climbed onto his mother's side and tried to settle in but it felt strange to be in that bed but not cuddled up against his mother.

"Where is Mommy?" Michael asked curiously. His mother rarely didn't come home at nights. There were a handful of occurrences where she'd been on-call. She avoided it when possible to be home with her family. It felt strange to Michael to not have her around.

"She's in the hospital. She's gonna stay there tonight." Derek answered the inquiry.

"The hospibable?" Michael exclaimed, his eyes wide with fear. "No! She can't be like Kara's Daddy! She's gonna come home, right?" he asked hopefully. "She's not gonna be suck in the hospibable and dieded there, right? 'Member? You pwomised me!"

"I think she'll be home tomorrow, Mikey. I'm honestly not sure." Derek replied, knowing that the uncertainty of the answer did not provide much reassurance for the child.

"Daddy, how come Mama's not betta' yet?" the child asked, expressing his curiosity about his mother's condition for the first time. He'd been trying to hide his confusion since he found out she was sick but now he had too many questions to keep doing it.

Derek signed, "Mommy is really sick, Mikey. It's a kind of sickness that does not go away easily. It takes lots and lots of doctor visits and shots and all kinds of different medicines to make her feel better and sometimes those shots and medicines don't work so she has to take more. You understand?"

"I think so." Michael murmured.

"But most medicines have side effects, that means that they're making you better in one way but they make you feel bad in another. With Mommy's medicine, it's making her want to go icky all the time, it's making her really tired and crumby all the time. That's why she's been so different since she got sick."

"Oh..." Michael trailed off, suddenly a lot more understanding of what was going on with his family. "But, Daddy, Mama always tucks me in wif Duckie. You's can't do it like her!"

"I'll try my best to do it just like she does." Derek promised, attempting to remember exactly what Addison's tuck-in ritual was as he covered his son with the blanket.

"No! You's do-ed it wrong!" Michael exclaimed in disappointment and kicked off the blanket. "I miss Mommy!"

"Yeah, so do I." Derek murmured to himself.

* * *

The next morning Derek went straight toward the oncology department as soon as he got to the hospital. He was informed that Addison had only fallen asleep two hours earlier and that she'd likely be discharged after her doctor finished rounds. He was paged back to the floor a few hours later to find Addison seated in a wheelchair right outside what he assured had been her room.

"Hey." he said softly as he approached her.

"Derek." Dr. Karen Sharp greeted, "She's all ready to head home. Take care of her and call me if you guys need anything or if you have questions."

"You're in a wheelchair, wow. Your OB couldn't even get you in a wheelchair when she discharged you after what I believed you called 'the episiotomy from hell.' "

The doctor laughed at Derek's startled reaction. "Yeah, she's been surprising me a lot these two days. She choose a hospital gown over designer couture yesterday during chemo, she didn't fight when I told her she should stay over night and she got in the wheelchair without making a fuss."

After she and Derek were in the privacy of the elevator Derek looked at Addison and asked, "Dr. Sharp's gone. You wanna ditch the wheelchair?"

"No." Addison mumbled.

"Wow, so you're telling me that you're willingly obeying hospital policy." Derek replied in surprise. "Do you wanna stop by the daycare center to see Mikey? He really misses you."

"I just wanna go home." she murmured.

"Okay." Derek agreed and pushed her wheelchair toward his car. He helped her into the front seat before returning the wheelchair and driving her home. He opened the car door for her but didn't offer a hand to help her out, "I'm gonna go unlock the door for you." he said.

After a full three minutes of waiting, Derek turned back to the car to see her still sitting there. He moved toward her, one brow curiously lifted. "Why are you just sitting there?" he asked.

"I can't stand on my own." she admitted in a whisper. "My knees kept bucking every time I tried this morning. I'm afraid to try again."

"Oh..." He trailed off.

"That's why I was in the wheelchair. I didn't tell Karen. She would have made me stay there longer. I didn't want to stay longer. I want to be home. I want to be with you and Michael. If I'm going through this hell all over again then I'd rather do it with you by my side and not some random nurse."

"Okay, let's get you inside. I can carry you, if you want. Or I can hold onto you and you can try to walk." Derek offered, holding his hand out to her.

"What if I fall? I almost fell when I tried to get up this morning. I grabbed a chair, if that chair was two inches further I would have fallen flat on my face."

"You won't fall. I've got you." he promised, slowly helping her out of his SUV. He wrapped an arm around her to support her then watched her take a step forward. "You okay? If you don't feel comfortable I can carry you inside."

"I'm okay." she murmured, taking a few small steps forward.

"You're doing great." Derek said with an encouraging smile. "I'm sure this morning was nothing. You'd been in bed for a while, you've got all these chemicals in you, your hormones are probably all out of whack, you probably just got dizzy because your equilibrium was thrown off. Or your legs were numb because of the immobility."

"Yeah, probably." she agreed as he helped her up the steps on their deck. "Thank you." she whispered once she was safely seat on her side of the bed inside the trailer.

"Addie, I know you're going through a lot. I know it's difficult but I need to talk to you and I need you to listen to me, okay?" Derek started off, kneeling down in front of her to be at eye level.

"Okay." she agreed quietly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Then start acting like it, Addie!" Derek exclaimed desperately.

"Please, Derek, I don't have the energy to fight with you."

"I'm not trying to start a fight. I'm just talking to you. I'm trying to tell you how I feel and I'm hoping you'll stop being hard headed and listen to me."

"Excuse me?" Addison asked, a bit of outrage recognizable in her tone.

"Just stop shutting me out. All of this scares me more than anything I've ever been through. I worry every second of every day. I need you to know that. I need you to understand that Michael and I are your family, we're going through this with you no matter how much you shut us out." He paused, taking her hand in his. "We're scared too. We want everything to work out. We want you to depend on us, we want to help you. But, Addison, we expect you to return that sentiment. We just want you to acknowledge that we're all in this together and that this affects all of us."

"I don't want it to affect you guys. You and Michael don't deserve to go through this. That's why I've been pushing you away, you shouldn't have to deal with it. You don't deserve this much pain. If I could just be a little more independent then you wouldn't have to put up with all this crap." she replied softly. "And I'm trying to be independent, Derek. I made it through the night without waking you up every half an hour because of my endless vomiting."

"And you deserve that?" he asked rhetorically. "No one deserves to go through this, Addie. It just happens. And it happened to you which means it affects me and Michael and anyone else who loves you."

"I'm sorry I didn't call you last night. The nurse told me you came, I'm sorry I told them not to let you inside. I just didn't want you to see how bad it was. I felt horrible, physically, I mean. I threw up so many times that for a while I was convinced I was going to vomit my stomach out. I didn't want you there for that. I didn't want to depend on you. That was wrong of me, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Ads." Derek replied softly, reached forward to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Just please, stop pushing me away. We both know that you can't do this alone and I want to be there with you."

"Okay." she agreed quietly.

"Okay." he repeated with a sigh, getting up from the kneeling position. "You wanna get some sleep? Your eyes look like they can't stay open any longer."

Addison nodded. All she did was walk from the car to the bed and she already exhausted. Derek helped her into a clean t-shirt and a pair of boxers she'd stolen from his years ago; both straight out of the dryer just as she liked it. She put her head down on the pillow and he covered her with a blanket, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I have to go pick up Mikey from pre-school. I'll keep him out for a while so you can sleep. Call me if you need anything."

"No, Derek, don't go." she quickly sat up to stop him, the sharp movement causing an all too familiar churning in her stomach. "The nausea is back and I don't want to deal with it alone." she whispered vulnerably.

Derek stopped short at the door and turned back. He tossed his keys on the counter and moved back toward their bed with only his cell phone in hand. "I'll call Richard to see if he or Adele can pick him up and take care of him for a few hours. You don't have to deal with the nausea on your own. As long as you don't push me away you won't have to deal with anything on your own."

* * *

So I'm not sure about this chapter. I read over it once and I loved it then I read over it again and I thought Addison let down her guard way too quickly and easily. And I just proof read it one last time (because typos annoy me) and now I don't know what to think.

Maybe you guys can give me your thoughts? Please. Think she let down her guard too easily? Review.


	8. Chapter 8

_Derek opened his eyes on the morning of his son's fifth birthday. He remembered his late wife's words, hearing them over and over again in his mind. "I might not live to see my son turn five." she had once said and she had been right. She had been gone almost a full year and Michael still came home from kindergarten expecting her to be home. He was having trouble adjusting to life without her and Derek couldn't blame him. _

_"Hey, my big boy's awake!" Derek exclaimed when he walked into his son's room with a smile to see him awake and staring up at the ceiling. "Happy Birthday." Derek said with as much happiness and enthusiasm as he could muster. Despite the depression he's endured for months, he was committed to giving his son a happy childhood. _

_Michael just turned his back to his father and curled up under his blanket. _

_"You don't wanna get up? I was thinking we could go make your favorite. I got Chocolate Chip Eggos." Derek offered. _

_"Okay." he whispered, pushing Derek away so he can get ready himself. _

_Michael unwilling got up from bed and changed before going downstairs where Derek was staring at the toaster, waiting impatiently for the Eggos. Michael took a seat at the table and waited until Derek placed a plate in front of him. His nose twisted up as he stared down at the plate._

_"What? What's wrong?" he asked. _

_"This is not have Mommy did it." Michael murmured, pushing the plate away from himself. "You did it wrong."_

_"Michael, it's an Eggo. It's hard to make it wrong." Derek replied. "Mommy made your Eggos in a toaster, sometimes she'd burn it and sometimes she wouldn't. It's the same thing." _

_Michael shook his head. "No." he said firmly. "Mommy's was gooder." _

_"Fine, we can buy you something on the way. We have to go pick up Grandma, Aunt Nancy and Kathleen and Joey from the airport. They're here for your birthday party this weekend and they all got you awesome presents." _

_"What about Amy? She's my favoritest!" _

_"She couldn't come, buddy. She has school." Derek told his son. _

_Michael frowned in disappointment. "Oh."_

xxxxxxxxx

_"You want me to talk to him?' Kathleen offered. She, Derek and Carolyn were watching Michael sitting all alone at his over the top birthday party. Derek wanted to do something big, hoping to get a smile on his son's face but it wasn't working._

_"That's a good idea." Carolyn nodded. "I mean, she's not a child psychiatrist but I'm sure she'll be better suited than any of the rest of us."_

_And with that Kathleen approached Michael and took a seat beside him. "Hey, buddy. How come you're not opening your presents? I heard you got some really awesome things." _

_"I don't wanna." Michael answered. "I didn't get what I wanted." he said surely. _

_"How do you know if you didn't open your presents?"_

_"'Cuz all I asked for is to have Mommy back and she's not here." Michael murmured. "I know she's not in a the big box 'cuz she can't breathe in there and then she'd just dieded again...and that would be mean." _

_"Honey, I know you love your mommy and I know your mommy loved you very very much but she's not coming back." _

_"I know." Michael told his aunt. "'Cuz she dieded 'cuz she had cancer. Daddy promised me she wouldn't dieded and he promised me that she didn't haved cancer like my friend's daddy but he lied." _

_"Is that why you're mad at Daddy? Because he lied to you?" _

_Michael didn't answer her. He just got up and walked away, going up to his bedroom where he was sure he could be alone. Kathleen went back toward Derek and shrugged to answer the questioning look on his face. _

_"Well?" he asked. "What did he say?" _

_"He's upset because you lied to him. You promised that Addison would be alright, that she didn't have cancer and that she wasn't going to die. You told Michael everything would be alright and it was all a lie."_

Derek's eyes opened and he found himself lying in cold sweat. His heart was pounding because of the dream that gave him a glimpse of what his life would be without Addison. What scared him the most was the fact that the dream could have been an actual glimpse of his future.

* * *

It had only been a few days after Addison's second round of chemo. Just as they had been warned, the stronger combination of chemotherapy drugs was taking a heavier toll on Addison's body. There had been a few incidents in the middle of the night when she needed the vomit but did not have the energy to get up to go to the bathroom. She threw up in bed the first time it happened but they were prepared the second time, Derek made sure there was a trash can beside the bed just in case she couldn't make it to the bathroom.

They tried to pay too much attention to the side effects, just hoping that the treatment would work this time. But one morning Derek opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was the palm full of hair in Addison's hand.

"Addie." he whispered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before he sat up.

"Don't say it's just hair, it's not just hair. It's my hair. It's one of the only things I loved about my appearance. It represents me."

Derek got out of bed and quietly walked into the bathroom. He grabbed his electric clipper from the cabinet beneath the sink and plugged it in. Addison got it for him for Fathers' Day the year he tried growing out a beard. She hated the prickly feeling against her skin when he kissed her so she hoped the clippers could at least keep it even and tame looking. With a quickly look in the mirror, he turned on the handheld device and ran it down the middle of his hair.

"Derek?" Addison called from the bed, carefully rising up to her feet. Her only goal being to make it to the bathroom without falling flat on her face because of her lack of strength and energy. "Oh, god!" she gasped from the doorway of the bathroom, watching as he ran the clipper through his hair. "Stop! What the hell are you doing?"

The middle of his head was buzzed, leaving just short stubble but the sides still had his signature thick waves. "Want me to leave it like this? I think it looks strange but if you like it I'll keep it like this."

"No, I don't want you to keep it like this!" she exclaimed in frustration. "Why would you do that? I love your hair!"

"I think it would safe to say that this family is a little too obsessed with hair." he said jokingly. "But it's not a big deal. It will grow back. I did this to support you." Derek shrugged nonchalantly. "If you lose your favorite feature then it's not fair for me to have mine."

"Derek..."

"Let me finish this then we'll do yours." he said softly before going on to shave off the rest of his raven locks. He rubbed his hand over the stubble, feeling the unfamiliar prickly feeling on his palm. "We are gonna save so much money on hair supplies."

Addison stared at his head then took a deep breath and said, "Will you do it for me?" she asked.

Derek nodded, lowering the lid on the toilet so she can take a seat while he worked the clippers through her long red hair. He could tell she was trying to hold back tears when a clump of hair landed on her lap. "Do you, uh..." he paused for a breath. "Do you want it to stay like this or do you want to shave off the stubble?"

"Shave it off." she whispered.

Derek nodded, first cleaning all the hair out of the bathroom before he grabbed a tradition razor and shaving cream. He worked the blade through the foam and rinsed it between each stroke until there was nothing but her scalp left.

"Okay, Ad, we're done." he murmured, watching her rise to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

A gasp escaped her lips, her hand moving to touch a part of her body she'd never dreamed of seeing exposed. "Oh, god..." she cried out, no longer able to hold back her tears.

"Hey." he said, pulled her hand away from her head. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest, "You look beautiful." he whispered softly. "You are still the most gorgeous woman I've ever laid my eyes on. This does not change that. Got that?" he asked, feeling her nod against his chest.

"I want a wig." she murmured a hour later. After an hour of staring at herself, the new look still didn't look right to her.

"We can get your a wig. Like I said last time, you can have one of those really good, expensive ones that look real." Derek promised. "Let me get my computer, we can Google it and find out where we can have one custom made. You can have it whatever length and color you want and if it's human hair you can even style it depending on your mood that day."

"You can get one too, if you want."

Derek shook his head. "I don't want one. My hair will look exactly like it did in a few months. Besides, like I said, I did this to support you so I'm not going to cover it up."

* * *

Michael sat at the small kitchen table in the trailer and stabbed few mac and cheese noodles onto his kiddie fork. He quietly stared at his parents as she chewed. His mother was actually seated at the dinner table with them for once. Usually she was too weak and tired to get out of bed and the smell of any and all food made her nauseous. Having her there made gave Michael hope, even if she was only eating saltine crackers. Despite all of it, all Michael could do was focus on his mother's bald head and his father's short buzz cut.

"What did you guyses do to your hairs?" Michael finally asked. After a mere half a second he gasped, dropping his plastic fork and reaching for his own hair. "Is it disappearing?" he asked in horror.

"It's not disappearing, honey. Your hair is safe." Addison assured her son with the slightest chuckle. He was the only one that managed to bring a smile to her face.

"We shaved it." Derek continued with a casual shrug.

"How come?" Michael prodded curiously. "Did ya' get gum stuck it in? Daddy, you 'member Kara? Well, she's gots gum stuck in her hair so she cut of that chunk but then it looked funny so she had to cut it like you guys." he stopped and chuckled with his little mouth full of noodles. "She looks like a boy now."

"No, we did not get gum stuck in our hair." Derek told his son. "Do you remember what I told you about medicine? I told you that sometimes it makes you feel better in some ways but not so good in other way."

"Mhmm. Sudafed."

Addison laughed and shook her head. "No, honey, that's the allergy medicine you've probably seen in TV commercials. I think you mean side effect."

"Wight." Michael nodded. "Side 'fects. So Mommy's medicine makes her feel betta' but..."

"Well, I told you that it makes her very tired and she needs to throw up a lot but it also makes her hair fall out." Derek started.

Addison picked up from where Derek left off, "Yup, Mommy's hair was really thin and uneven. It was starting to look like you said Kara's hair was. That happens a lot when people take the medicine I'm taking. I had to shave it so it would stop falling out."

"Oh..." Michael said with a nod, filling his mouth with another bite of mac and cheese. "What abouts Daddy? You's not sick too, right, Daddy?"

"No, buddy. I am not sick too. I cut my hair like Mommy so she won't be alone. I'm supporting her."

"Like when we's watch baseball and all the other peoples watching is wearing baseball player clothes?"

"Yeah, kinda like that. They are showing their support for their favorite team and I'm showing my love and support for your mom by having the same haircut as her for a while."

Michael nodded approvingly. "That weally nice of you, Daddy. Can I gets a haircut like that too? Cuz I wuv Mommy and I wanna 'port her like you." he asked hopefully, turning to his mother with a pout and adding a "Pwetty please."

"You don't need to shave your head, baby. I know you love me and I know you support me, and I am very grateful for that. But I want you to keep our gorgeous head of hair because it's the best of mine and Daddy's and if we can't have ours than you should have yours to represent that our family has amazing hair." Addison said to her son. "And thank you for offering, Mikey, that means the world to me."

Michael shrugged with a small smile in his mother's direction. He left his half eaten plate of mac and cheese and moved toward his mother's side of the table. He wrapped his arms, surprised by how boney and frail her body now was. "I's just wants you to feel better." he whispered to her. He moved closer to her ear and whispered, "Cuz you's too sick to cook and Daddy can't make mac and cheese as good as you."

"Honey, Daddy's mac and cheese is real, homemade mac and cheese. He put a lot of work into that for you. He's very good at cooking." Addison whispered back while Derek cleared the table. "I make mac and cheese out of a box."

"How come you's didn't eat it? You only had crackers." Michael pointed you. "You's not liked it either."

"I didn't eat it because crackers are the only thing I had eat without having to go icky afterward." Addison explained.

Michael sighed, slightly annoyed. "Mommy, you's mac and cheese is better. Twust me." Michael insisted before he moving back to his seat with hopes of desert. "Oh and if you's change your mind and you's want to to chave my hairs then I will, okay? 'Cuz then I's be just like you, Daddy and Kara...and I like Kara, Mommy. We's gonna get mawwied after we's gaduate kindergarten."

"You are?" Addison asked, raising a brow with a smirk as she looked at her overly enthusiastic son.

"Mhmm, after kindergarten but before I goes to docta school. I's wanted to mawwy you but Kara telled me you's already mawwied to Daddy so I's can't." Michael told her with a bit of disappointment.

"I don't know whether to find that incredibly adorable or the creepiest thing ever." Derek murmured from his place over by the sink.

* * *

This update was probably a few days late, right? Sorry about that. It's been kinda busy. In other news, I got tickets to that Kate Walsh meet and greet on July 9th. It sounded too awesome to pass up. I'll probably be tweeting and posting pictures on twitter during it if anyone is interested. :) And maybe you'll catch a glimpse of me when it airs on Cupcakes Wars. If I ever go in acting I'll put that TV appearance on my resume, right next to my spot on Dancing with the Stars. Remember the episode this season when Melissa and Rochon were voted off? Well I was "arm on left of sceen (behind Brooke)" and I was also "top of head" during the Chris Brown performance.

Oh, and look at how easy has made it for you guys to review. It's right there, all you have to do is start typing and post. Try it out ;) No, but seriously, I'm loving that the incorporated the review box on the page. It's brilliant.


	9. Chapter 9

Michael tightly clutched his father's hand as they walked through the hospital's sanitized, white hallway. He was eager to see his mother since she'd been checked into the hospital the previous day for her final chemo treatment. He always had trouble being away from her. Despite that eager desire to see her, he was not prepared for what he saw when he stepped into the room with his father.

Addison was leaning over a pink basin, vomit splattered into the container and the blanket covering her lap. A nurse was standing beside her, a paper towel waiting in her hand. Derek let go of his son's hand and rushed over to her to rub Addison's back. With the absence of hair, she no longer needed someone to hold it back at times like this.

"It's okay, Add. It's the last round, you're done after this. And hopefully, you will never have to do this again." he said softly, pressing a kiss to her head while she continued to retch. "You okay?" he asked after she leaned back against the pillow in her bed.

She nodded quietly, accepting the napkin the nurse handed to her to wipe her mouth.

"I'll get you a new blanket, Dr. Shepherd." the nurse spoke up, taking the vomit filled basin off of her lap.

Once the nurse was done, Addison let out a long sigh and looked at her son who was frozen at the door. "Hey, Mikey." she said softly. When he didn't move or say anything, Addison glanced at Derek, "I scared him." she whispered.

Derek pulled away the dirty blanket covering Addison. He replaced it with the clean one the nurse had brought then he moved over toward his son. Derek knelt down in front of Michael and quizzically looked at him. "I thought you said you wanted to be a doctor like me and Mommy."

"I is gonna be a docta like you and Mommy." Michael answered quickly. "Well, I's gonna be a docta like Mommy cuz I like wittle babies."

"Well, doctors see vomit all the time. It doesn't bother them." Derek said with a nonchalant shrug. "And you who throws up a lot? Babies. But don't worry, maybe you can be a different kind of doctor. Oh, like Aunt Kathie! You remember her boring office with no cool doctor stuff, right?"

"No! I's gonna be a docta like Mama! Icky is not ewwy." Michael exclaimed, his little hands smacking Derek's chest in anger.

"Well, then why won't you go give Mommy a hug?" Derek asked in a whisper. "I'm sure she missed you just as much as you missed her, maybe even more."

"I is never seed Mommy like this." he answered timidly. "Her is weally sick." he said. sadly, glancing over Derek's shoulder to see his pale, energyless mother lying in the hospital bed.

"She's trying very hard to get better, buddy." Derek answered. "I told you, this is all just because of her medicine. And I'm sure she'll feel a lot better if you go give her a hug."

Michael glanced at his mother again and shook his head. "No. I wants to go home! I is not want to hug Mommy. Her is look scary."

Derek turned back to see Addison close her eyes, obviously fighting back tears. "Addie..." he started, pushing himself up to full height to comfort his wife.

"Don't." she warned before he could come any closer. "I'm fine."

"I'll go see when Richard is heading home. Hopefully he can take Michael with him so I can spend the night with you."

"He already spent last night with Adele and Richard so you could stay with me." Addison reminded Derek. "I'll be okay on my own, don't worry. You need to take care of our son. Just take him home, I'm sure he wants to be with you today."

"Addison, you know he didn't mean anything by that. He's just a child. And seeing you in the hospital with the wires and stuff, I'm sure it just caught him off guard and scared him. That's all."

Addison nodded just slightly.

"Okay, I will come see you as soon as I get to work tomorrow." Derek promised. "And I believe Karen mentioned that she'd be discharging you if she feels you're ready when she comes to see you during rounds."

Addison nodded again.

"Perfect. I will make sure not to schedule surgery so I can take you home." Derek smiled, leaning closer to her to kiss her goodbye. "Call me if you need anything." he said after pulling away.

"Okay." she agreed.

"You wanna come say bye to Mommy, Mikey?" Derek asked, turning to see that Michael had already stepped outside of the room and was waiting right outside the door.

There was silence between the two Shepherd boys all the way home way. Derek gave Michael his nightly shower (because of the lack of tub in the trailer) and put him to bed. Half an hour later, when Derek was sure Michael was asleep, he saw the little boy sit up on his mother's side of the bed.

"Daddy." he called, breaking the silence between.

Derek got up from the small couch where he was watching TV. He stood in the doorway in front of the so-called bedroom and made eye contact with his son.

"You gots to tell Mommy I's sowwy for being mean today. I's not want to make her sad. I's just gots scared because she looks different now."

"Your mom loves you more than anything in the world, Michael. I'm sure she's not upset with you."

"But her was sad."

"Yeah, she was a little sad." Derek agreed.

"Can we call her so I's can tell her I's sowwy?" Michael asked hopefully.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Mikey. Mommy might be asleep and I don't want to wake her up if she is. I'll let her know that you're sorry when I see her tomorrow."

"Can we goes back to the hospibable to see her now? If her is 'sleep then we's stay with her and I's tell her in the mornin'. I's wants to 'port Mama like you do."

Derek couldn't deny the child's request. He helped Michael put on a coat over his Blue's Clue's pajamas and buckled him into the car seat to take him back to the hospital. Michael fell asleep during the drive so he carried the child all the way up his mother's room only to discover she was alseep too. Derek carefully put his sleeping son his mother's bed and watched the child cuddle up close to her. The subtle motion was enough to wake Addison. She looked up at him, surprised to have him there and have her son in the bed with her.

"Is he bothering you?"

"No, it's fine. But if I look like I'm going to throw up then take him away immediately so it doesn't happen on him. " she answered, wrapping an arm around to hold him close. "What are doing here?"

"Well, Michael felt absolutely terrible for making you sad earlier. He said that he got scared because he's never seen you like this. He wanted to come and tell you he's sorry but he fell asleep in the car."

Addison pressed her lips to the top of her son's head. "I don't know what I'd do if this cycle of chemo didn't help either. I don't think I can take this much longer and I certainly don't want to put Michael through it again."

* * *

**3 weeks later**

Derek stepped into the trailer after a longer than usual day at work. A surgery had come up just as he was getting ready to leave and he didn't want to take it but Richard reminded him that lately he hadn't even been working during his shortened shifts, he'd cancel surgeries to be with his family. That left Derek no choice but to agree to take n the case. Michael followed behind him carefully holding a take-out cup full of ginger ale as he climbed onto the deck. Derek's hands were full with take-out bags so Michael volunteered to hold the drink and be helpful.

"You got it, buddy? Want me to come help you?" Derek asked, holding the door open for the child.

"I gots it!" Michael exclaimed, taking small steps on the deck toward the trailer so he wouldn't spill his mother's drink.

"We're home, Ad!" Derek called into the trailer as she stood in the doorway, waiting for Michael to finally make it inside. "Add?" Derek called again only to be met with silence again. "Addison?" he said a little louder.

"Her is not here, Daddy." Michael said as he carefully set the cup down on the table.

"That's weird. Her car was outside. And since when does she go places without me? We have done _everything_ together since she got sick."

"Maybe her is feeling betta now and her is not need you." Michael answered with a shrug. "Call her."

"Go wash your hands." Derek told his son, ignoring the child's comment. He grabbed his phone and called Addison only to have his call go unanswered. In fact, none of his 13 calls were answered. "Goddammit, Addison, where the fuck are you?" he muttered to himself as she tossed his phone a aide. He didn't know any of her whereabouts until she stepped into the trailer some 20 minutes later.

"Hey." she greeted him softly.

"Where have you been?" Derek asked. "I've been calling you for over 20 minutes. You don't answer, you don't leave a note..."

"You called?" Addison asked, taking her cell phone out of her purse to check her missed calls. "You did call...13 times. Sorry, I don't know how I didn't hear my...Oh, it's on silent! I must have forgotten to turn the volume on." she looked at him apologetically as she turned up the volume on her phone.

"Where dafaq was you, Mommy?" Michael exclaimed from the table where he was eating his portion of the Chinese take-out.

Addison's eyes widened as she turned to her son. "Michael!" she said sternly.

"Daddy sayed it." Michael said defensively. "Why is you lookin' at me like that?"

"Just because Daddy said it doesn't mean that you're allowed to..."

Derek cut her off before she could finish, "Just don't say it again, Mikey. That is a very bad word and I was wrong to say it." he told his son.

"Our three year old is taking like he's a truck driver." Addison said disapprovingly.

"He's four."

"No, he's not. Not yet."

"Well his birthday is in a month. He's closer to four than he is to three."

"Whatever, it doesn't make a difference. Either way, he's too young to curse."

"Okay, fine, I'm sorry I said that in front of him. I was just worried about you and I didn't realize that he'd hear me and repeat it." Derek apologized. "It's just that I wasn't expecting to come home to an empty trailer. We've done everything together over the last few months, you never did anything without telling me and I freaked out when I didn't know where you were."

"I had an appointment with my oncologist." she informed him.

"You did?" He asked. "Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have taken that surgery after my shift so I could come with you."

"I wanted to go alone." she explained with a shrug. "I needed to do this on my own."

"Okay." Derek nodded, pretending he understood her reasoning. "So why did you have to see Karen? Is everything okay? Are you feeling okay? I thought the symptoms of chemo were starting to subside since the treatment ended. Is it still bothering you?"

"No. The symptoms are gone for the most part." Addison replied. "I mean, I still tire easily and the queasiness is still an issue but Karen said that's normal because my body is still healing after chemo."

"Oh, okay..." Derek nodded again, looking at her for more answers. "And when will we know if the chemo helped? I don't want us to get our hopes up only to have them crushed again."

"We did all the tests. She put a rush order on the labs and she said she spoke to the radiologists about looking at the scans and doing the reports today. She said she'd do everything she can to get us same day results. She promised to call once everything is in."

"I'm honestly kind of scared." Derek admitted. "What happens if this didn't work?"

"I asked her, she said that we could try another round. They would adjust the combination of chemo drugs, maybe increase the dosage to make it even stronger. But..." she stopped and looked at him with a sigh. "I'm not willing to go through it again. I can't torture myself again."

"So what did you guys agree on? If the cancer is still there what's the next course of treatment?"

"I'm not sure." Addison said with a shrug. "I don't want to think about it until I have to."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, that's probably the best way to deal with it. We don't need to make a decision until we know for sure that there cause for concern."

"Exactly."

"Daddy, huwwy up. I's hungry." Michael whine, tugging on his father's pants for attention.

"Take a seat, buddy. I'll get plates." he answered, moving toward the cabinet for three plates. "I, um, got us take-out. Chinese. I know you still feel the nausea once in awhile and you have been eating very um...tasteless things so it won't trigger anything but you love Chinese food and you haven't had it in months. I thought you would have missed it."

"I do." she answered with a small smile. "Did you get chow mein or pan fried noodles?"

"Both." Derek said with a shrug. "I wasn't sure which one you would want. Its plain; because Michael hates all the other crap they put in there and I thought it might be easier for you to start with plain noodles so the different tastes and textures of the stuff mixed in won't make you sick. And we've got orange chicken, egg rolls, wontons, beef and broccoli. Oh, and I asked them to make you plain, steamed chicken. Got a side of steamed rice with it. You can have that just in case you are not feeling adventurous enough for everything else. "

"You got all of that for the three of us?" Addison asked, raising a brow as she looked at the take out bags on the table.

"Oh, and ginger ale for you. I know you're not a big fan of it but it's just incase you need it to settle your stomach afterward." he added.

Addison took a step toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pecked his lips and then looked up at him with a smile. "You're amazing." she told him.

Derek's hand moved to tuck the red lock hair from her 17 thousand dollar custom made wig behind her ear. "I think I should be saying that to you." he said softly. "Now, take a seat. I'm hoping it hasn't gone completely cold yet. I know it's not hot anymore but I'm aiming for warm..."

"I like lukewarm Chinese food. Brings back good memories." Addison replied as she took a seat beside her son who was eagerly waiting with one chopstick in his hand. "What do you want, buddy?" she asked the child.

"I's wants that and that." he said, pointing to the vegetable-less chow mein and the beef and broccoli. Once his mother returned his plate of food, Michael sat up with a content grin on his face. He stabbed his one chopstick into the small piece of beef and brought it to his mouth.

"Mikey, it'll be much easier with a fork." his mother told him. She said the same thing every single time they had Chinese food. "And you have to eat the broccoli too, okay? It's called beef and broccoli for a reason."

"I's wanna use these like you and Daddy." Michael replied with a mouthful of food and as he chewed he pushed the three pieces of broccoli to the very edge of his plate, claiming he was saving it for later. He had a tactic; he would leave it for the end and then claim he was full when time came to eat it. He was sure that his parents fell for it every single time.

"We should get him training chopsticks." Derek said from across the table. "He looks like a starved barbarian when he uses that one chopstick and stabs everything with it."

Addison laughed, nodding her head in agreement until she saw her son glaring at his father although he had no idea what a barbarian was. "But you look like a very cute barbarian." Addison added so the child's ego would be preserved.

"The food okay? The smells aren't making you feel queasy, are they?" Derek asked, watchings as she hesitantly filled her plate with a small portion of pan-fried noodles.

"No, it's not making me queasy. I'm just hoping I can say the same thing after I'm done eating." she replied.

Just as she was about to bring her noodle gripping chopsticks to her mouth, Addison heard her cell phone go off. She glanced at Derek with an anxious look on her face and put the chopsticks down before getting up to get her phone.

"Is it Karen?" Derek asked when she checked the caller ID.

Addison nodded her head as she picked up the call, bringing her index finger to her lips to shush Michael's chattering so she could hear what her doctor was telling her.

"You're sure?" she asked, skepticism laced in her voice.

Derek felt his eyes grow wider with anticipation to find out what his wife had just found out. He couldn't tell if the look on her face was a look of relief or numb devastation.

"I understand. I will call your office to make an appointment when I'm ready." Addison replied, making Derek grow more pale than she'd ever seen him. "Thank you." she added before she hung up the call and looked at her husband with the same undecipherable expression.

"What did she say?" Derek asked, his stomach churned as the words left his lips.

* * *

I was going to update tomorrow but tomorrow is July 9th which is "Finally meet Kate Walsh day" so I figured I'd get too excited to remember. I'm just so fucking excited! Fingers crossed I look decent in the picture with her. If I could figure out how to post on tumblr, I'd put it all the pics there but I don't know how to so look for it on twitter tomorrow starting at about 6 pst if you wanna see everything there is to see at the event. Must stop rambling now.

Review. Give me opinions. Tell me what you think. Did you like that little cliff hanger in the end? Also- before you guys ask, the next chapter was originally supposed to be the last. I don't have it written yet so I'm not sure how it will go. I might end it in that chapter, it might be a chapter so long that it'll be split into two different chapters or I'll post that and do an epilogue. We'll see how it goes.


	10. Chapter 10

She couldn't speak, she just stared at him with absolutely no expression on her face. She just could not bring herself to break the news to her husband for a third time.

"Come on, Addie, say something. My heart is beating a mile a minute. What did Karen say?" he finally asked when he couldn't take not knowing any longer.

"I've still got it. The chemo did not fully treat it." she said remorsefully.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked. "How is that even possible? That last treatment of chemo put you through hell. It was absolute torture for you. How could it have not gotten rid of the cancer?"

"I don't know." she murmured. "Karen told us to give her a call to set up an appointment so she can answer all of your questions." Addison replied.

"Karen..." Derek scoffed. "I knew we should have gone with that other guy. What was his name?"

"Philip Kirkman?"

"Yeah, him. I bet if we had gone with him we wouldn't still be going through this."

"Derek, this is not Karen's fault. It's not like she's doing everything she can to make sure I never get better. It's obvious that this cancer is aggressive. It went down to stage one. I was at stage two because it had spread to my cervix and that's gone now. Now it's confined to my uterus. It's just the endometrium."

"Wherever it is, Addison, it's still there! How are you so calm?"

"I'm in shock." Addison admitted. "I felt so much better over the last couple weeks. I was hopeful that this was it. I thought I could finally get my life back on track, go back to work, work toward another baby... but I'm right back to square one."

"What's wrong, Mommy?" Michael asked, noticing the sudden tension in the room that didn't exist just a few minutes earlier.

"Nothing is wrong, sweetheart." Addison replied as reassuringly as she could. "Finish your dinner, Mikey. If you eat the broccoli I'll make Daddy buy you a big cookie from Starbucks before pre-school tomorrow."

"And hot chocolate?" Michael negotiated.

"Not both in the same day." Addison replied. "You'll get too hyper from all that sugar. The next morning he'll get you hot chocolate."

"Deal!" Michael exclaimed, cringing as she bit into a piece of broccoli he stabbed with his one chopstick.

"How soon can we schedule a meeting with Karen?" Derek asked. "I want to know what our options are now. What do we do? What the fuck are we supposed to do. How do we move on from this?"

"See!" Michael exclaimed. "Daddy sayed 'dafaq' again!"

"Michael, will you just shut up and eat your food?" Addison exclaimed unexpectedly, immediately regretting it once she did. The built up stress had gotten to her and she just snapped without being able to control it.

The child silently stared down at his plate, pushing a single half eaten piece of broccoli around.

"Oh, god..." she sighed heavily, bringing her hand to her forehead. "I just can't deal with this anymore. I'm not myself. I just yelled at my kid, I almost never yell at him..."

"Addie..."

"I need to get this over with. I _need_ this disease out of me. It's literally eating me from inside out and I can't deal with it anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"The surgery. I'm gonna have it all removed; I want it gone. I want it out of me."

"Addison, let's not get too extreme here. You can have a hysterectomy but you don't need to have..."

Addison knew exactly what he was going to say and cut him off before she could finish. "I want it all gone, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes. I want it all gone." Addison repeated.

"But if you have your ovaries removed you are going to go through menopause. Have you considered that?" Derek asked her softly. "Are you ready to go through menopause in your mid-thirties?"

"No, but I'm not ready to die of cancer in my mid-thirties." Addison answered.

"That's not what I meant, Addie. I mean you can try radiation."

"No." she replied surely. "Absolutely not. I am not willing to do something else that might not work. With the surgery it will all be gone. The chances of recurrence will be significantly less with all the nearby reproductive organs gone."

"I just want you to be sure because you can't change your mind once it's done." Derek replied. "I absolutely support your decision, you know that. I want you to do what you're most comfortable with and we will figure everything from there."

"I'll talk to Karen about the decision and I will look into finding a good G.Y.N with a lot of surgical experience."

"You don't have to do it alone, we can do it together." Derek replied.

"Where is Michael?" Addison asked as soon as she realized he was no longer seated in his spot at the table.

"He's on our bed." Derek answered. "You were talking, you probably didn't notice him walking away. He might even be asleep already." he told her.

Addison knew that when Michael was upset he would shut himself down and go right to sleep to avoid dealing with the problem. She turned around and saw him curled up on his father's side of the bed and turned back to Derek. "He barely ate anything." she said as she glanced at his plate.

"It's okay." Derek replied. "He's just confused with everything that's going on."

"I didn't mean to yell at him." she murmured and moved into the small bedroom. She leaned over a pressed a kiss to her son's forehead. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to take all my anger out on you." she said softly, watching the little boy's eyes flutter open as her lips brushed against his skin.

"Are you angry at Daddy for saying a bad word?" Michael whispered.

"No, honey, I'm angry at myself and I had no right to take it out on you. I am very sorry for yelling at you. You know that I love you too much to ever be upset with you."

"I's luv you too much to be's 'set wif you too, Mommy. And I's happy you's feeling a little better. I's hate when you was sick and had to go icky." Michael told his mother mother earnestly.

She didn't have the heart to tell him that she was wrong, that she wasn't been. As his mother, she wanted to protect him from that heartache. All she could do was smile at the child and tuck him as if nothing were out of the ordinary.

"Feel better?" Derek asked when Addison emerged from the bedroom after tucking the blanket around her son who was already fast asleep.

"Yeah." she said with a nod. "He always knows what to say to make all the anxiety to away."

"He got that from his handsome and charming father. He's Mini McDreamy." Derek said, giving Addison his famous dreamy smile.

Addison rolled her eyes. "Let's just hope he doesn't have your ego too."

* * *

Derek paced back and forth in Addison's pre-op room while Michael sat quietly in the one armchair in the room. An intern had come in to prep Addison and he informed the couple that the transport team would arrive shortly to escort her to the OR. He had informed Derek that he could stay by her side until they reach the famous doors separating the hospital from the surgical ward.

"Derek." Addison called for his attention, making him stop dead in his tracks to look at her. "This is happening really fast. I'm scared." she admitted in a whisper.

Derek move close beside her, brushing his chuckles against her cheek. "I know, Ad."

"I thought you were gonna be with me the whole time. Beginning to end. I don't want to be alone in there." she confided in him, the fear and anxiety clearly noted in her tone as she spoke.

"I wanted to come in there with you. I'd be holding your hand the second the anesthesia knocked you out and I'd still be holding it when you woke up after everything was over and done with. But you heard what he said, I have to wait outside."

Addison nodded. "I wouldn't want my patients' husbands breathing down my neck either." she admitted.

"You are going to be okay. You do this procedure like every single day. You know better than anymore else that there is nothing to be worried about." He told her, trying to be as reassuring and comforting as he could be given their predicament.

"Yeah, but usually I'm the one holding the scalpel. Today I'm going to on the table and someone is going to slicing into me. And that's enough to freak the shit out of me."

Before Derek could respond with another set of soothing words, a team of two men walked in wheeling a bed with them. "You ready to go, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?"

Addison nodded hesitantly. She pulled the covers away from her body and Derek helped her moved onto the other bed. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "You are going to be fine." he promised, holding onto her hand while carrying Michael on the opposite hip as the walked with the gurney desperately dreading the end of long hallway.

"This is it." Addison whispered when she saw the doors not to far ahead.

The transport team stopped just shy of the doors, giving the family an extra minute together before wheeling her into the OR.

"I love you, Addie. Everything will be okay. Try not to stress out too much. The more your freak out the higher your blood pressure gets, your heart rate spikes then we really have something to worry about. Just take a deep breath, let it out and stop thinking." he advised her. "You wanna give Mommy a good luck kiss, buddy?"

Michael nodded his head, wiggling around until Derek brought him closer to the gurney so Michael could plant a kiss on his mother's cheek. "You wants me to hold your hand like you and Daddy hold my hand when you's take me to the docta."

"We can't go in there with Mommy, Mikey. We're gonna wait for her outside."

"Oh." Michael frowned in disappointment, understanding why his mother was afraid. "Sorwy, Mama. You's gots to be brafe like a big girl."

Addison chuckled just slightly, returning a kiss and murmuring an "I love you" to the two most important people in her life before the transport team wheeled the gurney away.

"Daddy..." Michael murmured as he walked toward the waiting room with his father. "Why's Mama back in the hospibable? I thought she was bett-er."Michael asked timidly, feeling like he should already know the answer to the question.

Derek led the child to a corner of the room and motioned for him to get settled on a chair before kneeling down in front of him. "Remember that medicine that was making Mommy feel very sick? Well she stopped taking that medicine so all the side effects went away but the sickness is still in side of her."

"But_ how_?" Michael asked with wide horror filled eyes.

"This sickness, it starts in one part of the body and it spreads all around. For Mommy it started down here." he vague gestured to his lower abdomen. "But she found it fairly quickly and started taking the medicine that made her sick, that helped keep it from spreading anywhere else. But now she wants it gone, we all want it gone so Mommy can me completely better. So now she's having surgery to have that organ removed."

"Oh..." the child trailed off, accepting the fact that he was never going to understand what was going on with his mother. He quietly sat back in his seat, his eyes following Derek as he walked back and forth in the room.

Derek spent ten anxious minutes pacing the waiting room with his son seated in a chair near by before he decided that he needed to be with his wife no matter what the rules were. He dropped his son off at the daycare and quickly changed into his scrubs, the surgical cap was tied on as he ran to the scrub room where Addison's surgeon was scrubbing in.

"Dr. Shepherd, keeping yourself busy with surgery so you don't worry?" the man asked.

"No." Derek replied with no further explanation before stepping into the OR ahead of the other surgeon. He ignored all curious gazes and walked right toward his nervous wife. "Ad, that heart monitor is about to explode because of how fast your heart is beating." he teased.

Addison's eyes met his and he heard her sighed in relief. He took her hand and gave her a smile hidden behind his mask but he knew that she knew it was there and hopefully that would be enough for her.

"It's starting to slow down, that's good. Just relax. I'm here." he added softly.

"How-?" she started to say but he cut her off before she could finish.

"I don't care what the rules say. I don't care what your surgeon says. I'm your husband and I'm gonna sit here and hold your hand the whole time."

After surgery, Derek sat in a chair at Addison's bedside. He took the opportunity to watch her sleep, something he used to love doing when they were first married. He tried to ignore how different the circumstances were. The fact that her hair was shorter than his, barely just starting to grow up from when they had shaved it. He ignored that she was significantly thinner and paler because all that mattered was the fact that she was still there with him.

"Dr. Shepherd." Someone called out.

Derek let go of Addison's hand and turned to see an unfamiliar woman in scrubs holding his son's hand. "Hey, Mikey." he greeted the child with a smile.

"The daycare has been trying to get a hold of you but your phone has been off. He's been crying, begging to be with you and his mother." she explained.

"Thanks for bringing him." Derek replied with a charming smile, pulling the boy onto his lap. "You were crying?"

"Kara was in daycare, Daddy. She telled me that her Daddy had a 'pertation 'fore he died." Michael told his father with fear glimmering in his eyes. "And, Daddy, I's sayed it wrong 'fore. It's died, not dieded."

"Yeah, buddy, I know. I just didn't want to tell you because you make it sound much cuter than that word is meant to sound." Derek told his son. "And Mommy is doing very well. The surgeon took out what was making her sick so she will start getting much better very quickly. She'll be in pain for a few days because of the surgery but that will be gone soon."

"Oh..." Michael trailed off, turned in Derek's lap to see his sleeping mother. "I's wanna sleep in Mama's bed so we's can cuddle."

"Sorry, buddy. You probably won't be doing that for a while. You become a little ninja when you sleep and Mommy has this cut on her tummy. If you accidentally touch that while you are asleep then it will really hurt her."

"Oh." Michael said with an understanding nod. "I's want to hold her hand like you, Daddy. Can I's do that?"

"Yeah, buddy, you can absolutely do that." Derek replied with a broad smile. "Just don't hold her hand better than me because then Mommy won't want me to hold her hand anymore. She'll only want to hold yours."

"Then maybe her will de-horse you and I's can marry her and not Kara!" Michael exclaimed. He squirmed in Derek's lap until he jumped down and ran to the other side of the bed where he could hold on to his mother's free hand.

* * *

She was discharged from the hospital ten days later, her stay being longer than most others. Derek had secretly begged Richard to find any excuse to keep her longer to give himself more time to find a new home so his wife would not have to recover in a trailer. He amazed himself by finding a condo, signing a lease and moving their stuff in 8 days. He had no idea how he managed to find an interior decorator to furnish the place in over the last two days. The only thing he knew was that he was glad it worked out because he really did not want to take her back to recover in a small, cramped trailer. Derek was even more relieved that she loved everything he had secretly done for her. He had been dreading her reaction, thinking that everything could be the exact opposite of what she wanted.

"You all settled in there?" he asked. "Are you comfortable? Do you want an extra pillow or blanket or something?"

"I'm okay." she replied softly.

"I know you love sleeping on your stomach but try to refrain yourself because I'm sure that incision site will hurt like a bitch." Derek advised her.

"Thank you for the advice, Dr. Shepherd." Addison replied teasingly, rolling onto her side to face Derek. "It's been 10 days since my surgery, I think I've got the basics down."

"I should probably go check on Mikey. He's so excited about having his own room. I have no idea what he does in there all day. I'm not allowed in there without 1 hour notification. Can you believe a 4 year requires one hour notification?"

"He is so funny." Addison said with a chuckle. "He's growing up, have you noticed that he's trying to speak properly now? He says 'better' instead of 'betta' now. And he actually puts an effort to say the 'r' in 'sorry'... although he still adds a 'w.' Now it's sorwy."

"Yeah, he stopped saying dieded. He discovered that there are different tenses for it and all that. Which is a shame because he made that word sound much cuter than it is."

"Hopefully no one will tell him the correct pronunciation of doctor and hospital anytime soon. I love the way he says those words."

"You mean docta and hospibable?"

Addison laughed, "He thinks he can go to medical school to be a "docta" after he finishes kindergarten. I don't have the heart to tell him that he's still got 5 years elementary school, 3 in middle school, 4 of high school and another 4 in college before he can go anywhere near medical school."

Derek nodded, "I know what you mean, I don't have the heart to tell him that he can't marry you. The night of your surgery before anesthesia wore off, he had himself convinced that if he can hold your hand better than me then you'll divorce me and marry him."

"Do you think our next kid will be that cute?" Addison asked, looking upward into Derek's eyes as she asked the question. "I mean, Mikey is ours. He's half you and half me, and luckily he got the best of both of us and skipped out on our not-so-great traits. He always knows the right thing to do and say and his smile literally makes me melt. I love him more than anything in the world and I want to be able to say the same for our next child but because of me that child not going to be half me and half you."

"Addie, yes, Michael is perfect and I'm sure as a medical genetics expert, you think it's because he's a part of me and you. But I honestly thing nurture trumps natures. I think he's the way he is because we raised him, not because we made him. I think any child we raise, no matter where he or she came from, will be an amazing child. We will not love that child any differently just because we didn't make him or hers ourselves."

"I just always pictured us with two of our own biological child. I mean, Michael is Mini McDreamy, as you said. I always saw that for us, a little mini you and a mini-me and the two of us. I gave that up. I gave up my dream because of this goddamned disease."

"Addie, we talking about this. You said you were sure, you said there would be no regrets. You're not regretting the decision, are you?"

"What if I am?" she murmured.

* * *

One more chapter, guys! Hope you like this chapter. It took me FOREVER to write. I posted it last night and then decided there were a few things I wanted to change. Sorry for tricking you. For those who asked: The Kate meeting was absolutely awesome. She is unrealistically good looking in person and very, very approachable.

Anyway, bring on the reviews. Look at how tempting that convenient little review box down there looks. Look at that "post review" button. You know you wanna use it. ;) Oh, and let me know if you spotted a typo. You guys probably know by now that typos truly annoy me.


	11. Chapter 11

Months went on and with time regrets started to fade away. It was hard to have regrets when Addison saw her son's smile, radiating happiness that she hadn't seen from him since the day he learned of her illness. They were falling back into a routine, moving on with life after having endured an obstacle that could have crumbled their family. They made the decision to apply for adoption and got called for an interview. The birth mother informed them that she was expecting a boy and despite their initial wish for a girl, Derek and Addison were both ecstatic about the prospect of adding to their family.

"Addie, it's two in the morning, why are you still awake?" Derek asked in four weeks before the expected arrival of their adopted son.

"Online shopping for the baby. I asked my brother to ship out Michael's old crib and changing table from our Brownstone. I mean, they were in perfect condition, no point in buying a new set. Besides, I've already looked into buying a new set and I haven't liked any of them."

"We better be using Michael's again. The crib alone was 14 thousand dollars." Derek murmured under his breath as he came to take a seat on the couch beside her. He leaned closer and glanced at the screen of her laptop.

"It's a really good crib! It was worth every dime." Addison insisted. "Besides, this condo is too small. The baby won't have a nursery of his own. I'll do baby furniture shopping when our house is ready. We'll make sure our baby boy has a perfect nursery just like Mikey did. Why are you awake?"

Derek shrugged and leaned back into the couch. "I had to pee and you weren't in bed. I can't sleep when you're not in the bed." Derek informed her. "Watcha buying?"

"Well, I just got a bunch of onesies. They have adorable slogan things written across the chest." Addison told him with a grin. "I got one that says 'If you think I'm cute wait until you see my daddy.' Oh! And there is another one that says 'little brother' and I got Mikey a matching one that says 'Big Brother.' It was absolutely the cutest thing ever."

"Okay, either 2 am shopping makes you very excited or you had too much caffeine."

"I'm just really excited about this whole thing. I wasn't too sure about the adoption at first but now I'm so excited. I can't wait to hold that little baby in my arms..." she trailed over, turning her head to smile at Derek. "Our lives are finally getting back on track."

About two weeks later, just 10 days before the scheduled delivery, they got a call from their adoption agency informing them that the mother had met another couple and chose them. They explained that because the final papers would not be signed until birth, the mother had the right to change her mind about the choice.

Needless to say, the couple was devastated. Addison donated everything she had bought for the baby, sobbing was she filled box after box. Derek wanted to help but she kept him at arm's length, telling him she had to come to terms with the feeling of loss in her own way. The agency called the, informing them three other birth mothers were interested in meeting them, they never responded to the calls.

* * *

Time just kept moving forward and they had no choice but to put their obstacles behind them and move forward with it. Addison had taken her old position back, picking up exactly where she left on and Derek went back to working full time. Despite the hectic demands, they synced their schedules to have lunch with their son every day, finding it important to have that time all together.

Four and a half year old Michael quietly sat at a table in the cafeteria eating his grilled cheese while his parents conversed about topics beyond his realm of understanding.

"How did your appointment with Karen go? Did she get the results for your latest round of tests?" Derek asked. "I wish you had remembered the appointment earlier to so I had time to adjust my schedule to be there with you."

"She did have the results. Everything is fine. Still in remission, there are no indications of cancerous cells anywhere in my body so she's confident that they got it all before it had a chance to spread." Addison answered. "I don't have to see her every three months, anymore. She said my next check-up should be in about 6 months."

"That's great." Derek replied with a relieved sigh. "I wanted to be there with you so I could tell her I think you're over working yourself. You won't listen to me so I hoped maybe she can get you to cut back a little."

"Derek, I'm working like 10 hours a day. I used to do 12 hour shifts before the cancer and before Mikey was born we did like 3 or 4 24 hour shifts a week, working 12 hours on all the other days. 10 hours a day is not over working myself."

"I know that you're still hurting because of what happen with the baby but…" he started but she cut him off before he could finish. Derek knew it was because the failed adoption was a sore topic, she hated discussing it.

"Finish eating your dinner, buddy, please. Daddy and I both have a lot to do before we can go home and I don't want you to starve." Addison said just so she can change the subject.

"I's gonna sleep at pre-school today?" Michael asked. The hospital had leased the floor out to a top ranked pre-school and Kingergarten which gave priority to children of hospital employees. After 2 pm, when the school day was officially over, they offered a day-care service for children whose's parents were still working. This had been one of the reasons Addison and Derek had been adamant about keeping their son enrolled full time even while they were unable to work fulltime during her illness. They did not want him to lose his spot and end up at the bottom of a long waiting list.

"No, you won't have to be there all night but later than usual." Addison answered with a tinge of remorse. "Depends on how our surgeries go."

"It's okay, Mama, I thinks Kara gots to stay today too. Me and her sleep on thingies next to each other and we pretend to sleep but whisper jokes when they's turn the lights off."

Derek turned his attention to his vibrating cell phone next to his cafeteria tray. "Fu-" he stopped, glacing at the child seated on the other side of the table, "Fudge, I want gonna say fudge. Anyway, that's the ER. Incoming MVA. I have to go meet the ambulance." he said as he got up, planting a quick peck on Addison's lips and Michael's head.

"Wait, Daddy! What about the fudge?" Mikey jumped up from his seat and called after him. He huffed in disappointment when he realized his father couldn't hear him and sat back down on his chair. "Daddy lieded about fudge."

"Time of death: 11:34 am." Derek called, angrily pulling off his gloves as he did. They weren't able to stabilize the patient enough to transfer him to the OR, they didn't even have a chance to move him from the ambulance gurney to the hospital bed. Derek didn't have the chance to do something to save him and that bothered him the most. He wandered out onto the ambulance bay and took a seat on the bench hoping that it would clear his mind.

He's been sitting there for 10 minutes when a teen approached him. He was sure she could not be more than 17 years old. "Are you a nurse? Or um, maybe a doctor?"

"I'm a doctor." Derek answered. "Everything okay?" he asked, glancing at the toddler who was shyly hidden behind the teen.

"I can't raise her anymore. I just…can't. My friend told me that I can take her to any ER or fire station and they would take her no questions asked."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, that's true for infants. But it's a little more difficult with toddlers. There are a few questions that need to be addressed. Her birthday, her social security number, since it's already been assigned, um…her name? Allergies?"

"All of her information is on an index card in her back pocket. Birthday, name, Social, it's all there. I can't afford to get her medical care so I'm not sure about conditions or allergies." The teen answered, gently nudging to barely two year old forward toward the doctor.

Derek knelt down in front of the child and gave her a reassuring smile before picking her up off the ground. "Would you, uh, like us to keep her here for a day or two in case you change your mind?"

"I'm not gonna change my mind. Just um, do whatever you have to do."

He watched the teen run off nervously and then looked at the toddler in his arms. "Go?" she asked with a quivering lower lip.

"Yeah, little one, she had to go." Derek answered. He hesitantly reached for the child's back pocket and pulled out the neatly folded piece of paper with all the information typed out. "Your name is Allison?" he asked.

The little girl nodded her head. "Allie." She informed him of her nickname.

"Well, Allie, I think you've got a very pretty name. My name is Derek. That might be kind of hard to say so you can call me Der, it you want." He said with a smile to help the child feel comfortable. He took her upstairs to the peds department for a full examination before he called Social Services. He stood by the child's side and held her little hand while a resident examined her and did a blood test then gave her another reassuring smile. "You sleepy, Ally? It's pretty late."

"Sleep." The little girl repeated while he carried her out to an on-call room and put her down on the bottom bunk. He covered her with a blanket and told her a story he would always tell Michael and that was enough to put her to sleep but he sat in the room just to keep in her company.

"Have you seen my husband?" Addison asked the only nurse sitting in the nurses' station located in the surgical wing.

"Nope, sorry, haven't seen him for a while." The woman answered before grabbing a chart and walking off down the hall.

Addison groaned then spotted Richard retreating toward her office. She ran to catch up with him then asked him the same question.

"Yeah, I saw him a little while ago." He answered. "He's in the on-call room cuddling with someone."

"Excuse me?" Addison replied, almost sure that they could not be talking about her Derek.

"Yeah, and my god, she's gorgeous. I mean, she's got these blue-green eyes that someone could get lost in and a smile that would hypnotize any man. And she's so much younger…"

Addison felt her heart start to pound faster and her face quickly drained off all color.

"She's 2, Addison." Richard chuckled. "Her mother saw Derek outside the ER and left the kid with him. He called social services but they can't come and get her until tomorrow afternoon so he put her to sleep in an on-call room."

"Oh." Addison breath a sigh of relief. She made her way to the on-call room Richard had directed her to and sure enough, there was Derek with a dark haired toddler. "Hey." She said softly as she walked into the on-call room. "I heard you were in here with a younger woman."

"Did you almost piss on yourself?" he asked with an amused smile.

"Piss on myself; no. Have a panic attack? Yeah, almost." Addison replied lightheartedly. "I heard about what happen with her."

"Her name is Allison. Allie for short. Her birthday is next month, same day as yours. She's turning 2. When I look at her I feel like I'm looking at mini you. It's like some type of sign."

"Sign?" Addison asked.

"Yeah, that this was meant to be. That her mother chose to hand her off to me out of everyone else in the ER. That her facial features look just like yours. She shares your birthday, Addison! He name even sounds like yours. If that's not a sign then I don't know what is."

"Since when do you believe in signs?"

"Since about 30 minutes ago. This has to be meant to be. This is our chance to complete our family, Ad. We just have to make sure the opportunity does not pass us by."

Addison gave him in a small nod to show her agreement. "I will call our lawyer to start paperwork with social services."

Social services allowed them to take the child home, foster her until a court could look at their request to adopt the child. Allie quickly and easily settled into the family, soaking in love and attention she'd never experienced. She almost instantaneously become attached to Derek, Addison and Michael, easily bringing herself to refer to them as her father, mother and brother. Addison was initially hesitant. She thought it was happening too easily, too quickly. She was sure something would happen to bring the adoption process to a screeching halt. She was just waiting for the next obstacle that would come along and break her heart. But nothing like that ever came. The adoption was processed and finalized within 6 months, no difficulties stopping them along the way. The day the adoption was finalized the couple's lawyer assured them that they were now legally the child's parents. No one could take the child away from them.

Michael may have arguably the happiest about the addition to their family. He loved having a little sister, someone to play with and talk to about topics his parents never understood. Discussing episodes of Dora the Explorer as if it were a political debate became a common occurrence in the Shepherd household. There were arguments over toys and a battle for attention but it was a welcomed change and everyone knew it.

"Mama!" Five year old Michael exclaimed loudly when he saw his mother walk into the pre-school. He got up from his spot at the crafts table and ran over to her.

"Hey, sweetheart." Addison greeted, placing two and a half year old Allie on the ground to wrap her arms around her son. "What's with the tears?"

"Mikey no cry." Allie muttered, looking up at her brother with her own lower lip quivering at his sadness.

"Kara moveded away, Mommy!" he exclaimed emotionally. "She go-ed to a different state and she didn't even telled me!"

"Michael, she w_ent _to a different state and she didn't _tell _you." The teacher corrected from the sideline.

Addison addressed the woman with her signature glare before trying to console her son. She knelt down to be at eye level with both her child, self-consciously tucking a lock of carefully curled red hair behind her ear. Her hair had started growing out but she wasn't ready to leave the house without a wig. She feared the second people saw her real, significantly shorter than usual hair, they would pity her as a woman who had struggled with cancer and she did not want that.

"Honey, you remember that Kara's Daddy died, right?" she asked her son softly and received a nod in response. "Kara's mommy was having a really hard time raising her on her own. She works in ER so she's got lots of long hours."

"Where did theys go?"

"I'm not sure exactly where they went, Mikey. I think Kara's family lives in Michigan. I think they moved there so they can be closer to family. They were all alone in Seattle and sometimes people need family to help get them through hard times."

"Oh…" Michael murmured, sniffling back his tears. "How come Allie is here?"

"Because she's gonna be coming to pre-school and day care with you from now on. She'll be your new best friend since Kara is gone." Addison smiled, looking for one child to the other. "She's a little nervous so you have to make her feel comfortable, okay? Daddy and I are going to be working so you need to take care of her."

"Me?" Michael asked.

"Yup, you're her big brother."

"Like Unca Archie's your Big Brother." Michael said.

"Exactly, and when we were little Archie used to take very good care of me. He would always make me feel better when I cried and he would play with me and teach me things and give me advice so I wouldn't get hurt. We were like best friends. He is the greatest big brother ever."

"I's gonna be like Unca Archie." Michael decided, holding his hand out to his little sister. "Wanna go play, Allie?"

The two and a half year old looked from her mother to her brother then back to her mother.

"It's okay, Allie, it's gonna be really fun. Mikey is here so you don't have anything to worry about." Addison promised her.

"Mommy and Daddy will pick us up at lunchtime." Michael added. "We's gonna stay here and do stuff while they work. Ms. Lily reads books and we get to do activities. It's really fun."

"We color?"

"Yeah!" Michael exclaimed. "It's craft time so you's can color if you want. I was gonna make somefing but I can color with you instead so you's not be alone."

"Otay." The toddler grinned at her brother with appreciation.

Michael reached out to take her hand. "Come on, I'll show you where the crayons are." He said as he led her toward the neatly organized craft table. "Bye, Mommy!" he called behind him and turned to catch a glimpse of his sister waving her own goodbye.

* * *

As the year passed Derek and Addison decided to put their land to use by building a home for their family. They both knew that their children were growing faster than either would like to admit and neither wanted to miss out on any of it. They successfully learned to balance time and energy between their career and their family and it was working. They had not fallen back into old habits as Addison had feared but rather, their past struggles had taught them how to stick together.

"Hey." Addison greeted as she stepped into the master bedroom of the newly finished semi-mansion that had been constructed in place of the trailer. She smiled when she saw her three year old daughter and five and a half year old son soundly asleep in the California King bed.

"Hey." Derek greeted back, his voice laced with a bit of exhaustion.

Addison moved over to his side of the bed and pecked his lips. "Everything go okay? I'm sorry for leaving them on you all night."

"It was fine, no worries. Glad you're okay, I was kinda worried about you driving home in this storm." Derek replied. "Is your patient okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine. She was brought into the ER earlier today after she slipped in the shower. There was minor placental damage so I admitted her to monitor her through the night. The baby went into fetal distress so we had to do an emergency c-section but they are both okay now."

"Well, while you were occupied with placentas and blood and scalpels we were here trying to manage baths and bedtime. You should be jealous." Derek teased.

"I'm very jealous." Addison replied before going into her closet to change out of her clothes into a pair of pajamas. She got into bed, carefully adjusting her sleeping daughter to make room for herself. "What are they doing in here? Did the thunder scare them?"

"It scared Allie shitless. Michael "escorted" over here because so she won't fall in the hall in the dark. She got settled in our bed and he just stood there, jumped about 5 feet in the air when thunder struck then said he better say here because I probably won't be able to protect Allie well enough alone. He thought I would need help."

They settled into a comfortable silence. Addison unconsciously smiled when her daughter pushed Mikey away from her in a battle for more space in the somewhat cramped bed. She pulled her sleeping son closer to her to give Ally more comfort. As she fought the sleep a smile grew on her face when her son snuggled close to her.

"Addie." Derek called for her attention. "Are you thinking about something or are you just watching them sleep?" Derek asked her.

"Both, I'm doing both." She answered in a quiet whisper as she briefly glanced up at him before looking back at their children.

"What are you thinking about?" he inquired.

"Them." She answered simply. "I didn't think I would live to see Michael turn five and he's five and a half now and now we have Allie and it's all just…I guess I'm just appreciating the moment."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I think about it every time I see the three of you. We have a lot to be grateful for. It was a long, hard road but it's little moments like this that make it all worth it."

"After work, after spending so much time watching other families' struggles, it makes me feel better to know that we're not there anymore. We're not hanging on by a thread anymore. And seeing them happy and healthy is the best way to remind myself of that."

"Addison, you don't have to think of the cancer as something completely negative in our lives. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was terrible. I hated seeing you in go through so much physical and emotional pain, but it wasn't all completely negative. It made us much stronger as a couple, it made us determined, it taught us to work toward a common goal. It brought us closer together as a family and we learned to appreciate every second we have together. The chemo didn't work, but if it had we would have tried for a pregnancy instead of adopting. Then we would never have Allie. As bad as it all was, as painful as it was, a lot of good came from it. Got it?"

Addison nodded just slightly. "Got it." She confirmed in a whisper.

The family settled into a comfortable slumber despite the storm outside. The proud parents were sure that at some point in the night the thunder would wake Michael and Allie. "Mommy." A little voice whispered and Addison was sure the storm had startled one of her kids awake.

Addison's eyes fluttered open to see her son. "Did the thunder wake you, sweetheart?" she asked, cuddling the child close to comfort him and give him a little extra warmth on the cold night.

"Yes." he answered honestly.

"It's okay, honey, it's just thunder. You're safe here, okay? Daddy and I won't let anything happen to you." she promised.

Michael pulled out of his mother's tight embrace and sat up in bed to look into her eyes. "I'm not scared." he insisted. "I just stayed here to help Daddy keep you and Allie safe. I was just gonna say that you don't gots to worry 'bout the thunder cuz I won't let it hurt you. I's not gonna let anything ever hurt you or Allie."

"Mikey, honey, you really don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay."

"No, Mommy, you gots to know that I's not gonna let anything bad ever happen to you again, okay? I will kick someone's ass if they try to hurt you or Allie."

"Excuse me?" Addison asked, raising a brow as she look at her son.

"Oh, it's okay, Mommy, Daddy says 'ass' is not a bad word. It's a body part. And I can say it because I's gonna be a docta and doctas gotta know all about body parts."

* * *

So there you go. The story ends with more of Michael being absolutely adorable. I'm totally going to miss writing his character. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story. Sorry for the delay, I wanted this chapter to be awesome and there was so much I wanted to include so it got a little difficult to write.

Let me know your thoughts on the last chapter. Tell me what you favorite and least favorite parts or chapters were! I'm curious to see what different people have liked over the course of the story and what they absolutely HATED. Hope you enjoyed the story as a whole and thanks for all the support and feedback throughout. :)


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